Depression or is it Mixed Emotions?

Back in December when I didn't have my computer I didn't wanna do anything or go anywhere, I have many friends online that do mean alot to me because I've known them forever or started getting to know them and just never finished (because I don't talk to them anymore or visa versa) or still getting to know them. I have my reasons for giving up a few friends though. Finally when I got my computer back I didn't feel depressed anymore, sad some people think I know. BUT when you try and try to make friends and make some but then you call and no one calls you back, so after awhile you finally give up. So in my case I gave up and went with friends I have online which ya sure most id love to meet one day hang out and just whatever, y'know?

Well now the new year has arrived, things change people change. Life starts going good for a bit but then to find out the other person don't still feel that way it was/is a act it seems it gets to be a slap in the face. You try and try and still try to figure stuff out and try to work on things for the better, but the question is will it happen? Deep down you hope so but at the surface things are uncertain. It kills you to know what the future holds for you and everyone around you. You have your dreams and hopes but where does that leave you?

This is where the depression comes in because you know deep down what you want but you might not have it. You cry and scream on the inside you love someone so much it makes you cry, makes you fall down and not want to get up because it seems like they don't feel the same way back. Everything around you and everyone around you say yeah they are gonna help and support you and be there for you but then you sit back and look and all they are by most are just words... Just like the words " I Love You" Seeming like they have no meaning and your not sure if and when you should say them. It just sucks because you don't know what the future will bring heck you don't even know what tomorrow will bring. Thats where the mixed emotions come in too because you cry then feel happy then just feel crazy the next minute....

Then you think something is wrong with you, then again you just wanna curl up in a corner and forget the world and everyone around you.

Part of you ... all you want is to be happy, you know deep down that is possible some how some way... but where do you start?

Another thing that is now bugging me and making me feel down is this summer I need to renew a few things, thats money. Renewing it? There is a NO answer its something that HAS to be done no matter what! Now we also have to pay back a debt we where told not to worry about, that makes me feel pissed but really sad and depressed at the sametime because the money I could be saving for a trip back home will be no longer, the money i need to renew stuff by the time all that comes around.... money will be so tight I will have to give up my visit back home. Great and while waiting for a renewl I am scared something will happen to my grandparents they are going on 91 and 93 this year just moved into a nursing home. What if something happens and I can't get to them because of the no money factor? I AM FUCKING SCREWED! (pardon my language) But yes I understand we borrowed the money we have to pay it back, BUT we where told not to worry about paying it back then *Slap* you do now! Makes me wanna scream and cry at the sametime! *sigh* Another couple friends of mine that are getting married probably come spring, down in Flordia? Can I attend that? Probably not ....... *slams my head on the desk*

I might as well crawl into a corner and never come out because thats the way I feel right now