What Should I Do?

Well it's now going on after 1pm
I thought I could get back to bed and get some more Z's before work and stuff, and I can't.
Good news I finally found out what was causing my lag with city of heroes, the fan inside my compy broke so now cause I gotta save my moneys I got the standup fan blowing right on my compy. So it's like having a over sized fan to cool my pc instead of the small one and its working wonders so I am gonna leave it there.
Well, I had a talk today with a friend of mine and now I just don't know, I feel the way I feel I want what I dream about and I mean who doesn't?
But yeah I get his point
Right now I just think...
Well what if I just turn into supa bitch mode and just reverse who I am totally.
Just don't care and quit giving and just... I don't fucking know
I mean I know it's not who I am, but what if I just change?
How would that make others feel and such but if I do change what do I care really.
Sometimes I just feel I should just give up my hopes and dreams and where I want to be in life. I don't even know why I am posting this probably just to get the way I feel and my thoughts out there... again I dunno Im just typing.
I do need to get this out so i can TRY and get some sleep.
My minds been goign a mile a min since last Thursday and I havn't been able to sleep or concentrate, all i been wanting to do is keep going and going like that dang pink bunny.
I know what I need/want in life to be happy, but why can't I have it or find it or whatever? I mean it's like I have it and/or I find it then I get scared and I sit back and just think... okay....
I am not trying to be drama queen here its just the way I feel.
I mean sometimes yeah I can get clingy cause when I find good friends or something I love or even someone I don't want to let go because I dont' have very many people in my life that accually give a shit. I get scared I am or might loose them and I don't want that.
I have my dreams and yeah everyone does and people who have high dreams are gonna do what they can to fight for them. Others will just sit back and let them pass on by and be like whatever.
I was always taught to fight for what I believe in and you know i try to do that everyday. It's just so freaken hard.
I mean I know life isn't easy but it just makes me so freaken mad cause all I want is to be happy, and all that stuff. Everyone does !
I do like challanges but some challanges are just... I dont want them!
I was trying to sleep but I had all this going though my head, I had to get it out somewhere and some way... and I have no one to talk to right now.
So my blog it is.
Feel free to comment or for those of you that know my email or IM name, feel free to do so or for those of my friends that read my blog, feel free to call me or txt me.
I work tonite from 5pm-??
Due to a floorset at work
Ill be around eventually, hopefully I got enough out and off my mind that i can at least get 2 or so hrs before I gotta get up take a shower and go to work.
Until next time....
Im out
before I do though.. one question I always wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me or am I alright? with my dreams or whatever.... ah well time to sleep.....
I hope
Zzzzzzz....... maybe

ps.... Im also just so scared of where my life is gonna go, where i am gonna end up, will i be safe, will i be loved again for who i am and able to love someone who will love me back and take care of me and let me do the same for them... just so many things.... anyways... gonna try now before my brain starts to think, worry, stress, etc.... again..... - But I mean its not like I dont love Joel and he don't love me... but we just can't trust each other... or is it he just can't trust my friends.. i dunno - Zzzzz