Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Heartbroken....
No other words describe how I feel right now, these feelings been eating me alive for almost a month now, I miss Grandpa & Grandma so much it hurts. I wish I could pick up the phone & call just to say, "Hi" knowing deep down hearing there voice would make me happy but all I can hear at the other end is dial tone knowing I will never hear there voices again only though the memories that flood my head daily. The blanket that sits on the back of my chair still smells like there home, knowing in time that smell will fade I wish it wouldn't.
As I sit here sleepless as my tears blind my sight, listening to my husband snore getting rest for the both of us I wonder to myself if he is truly happy, he says he is but some days I wonder, I don't dought my own husband I just know deep down he is like me, wanting the family we both dream of, but as of this moment it isn't possible due to my health condition and some days I feel as if I have failed him, I know in time I will get better and lose the weight I need to, bring my insulin down and be on track. But when is the question I ask myself, sure I have lost almost 42lbs in almost 6 months (as of the 21st) but to me that isn't enough, I push hard everyday to hard some days to the point where I know it hurts my body physically. It's hard knowing we been married almost 5 years and no children have entered our lives as of yet. I know Grandma always told me your time will come just wait, but the thing is I am almost 28 he is almost 34, I just wonder if we will start to feel to old before our chance comes, and I don't want that reason I push more everyday. I see friends, family around me getting pregnant for the first time, second, sometimes 3rd or 4Th, I get so jealous and frustrated, feeling left out, as I've failed, failed the one I love with all my heart, I do know I have the best husband in the world & he is everything to me.
But It hurts, when will these pains go away.....
As I sit here sleepless as my tears blind my sight, listening to my husband snore getting rest for the both of us I wonder to myself if he is truly happy, he says he is but some days I wonder, I don't dought my own husband I just know deep down he is like me, wanting the family we both dream of, but as of this moment it isn't possible due to my health condition and some days I feel as if I have failed him, I know in time I will get better and lose the weight I need to, bring my insulin down and be on track. But when is the question I ask myself, sure I have lost almost 42lbs in almost 6 months (as of the 21st) but to me that isn't enough, I push hard everyday to hard some days to the point where I know it hurts my body physically. It's hard knowing we been married almost 5 years and no children have entered our lives as of yet. I know Grandma always told me your time will come just wait, but the thing is I am almost 28 he is almost 34, I just wonder if we will start to feel to old before our chance comes, and I don't want that reason I push more everyday. I see friends, family around me getting pregnant for the first time, second, sometimes 3rd or 4Th, I get so jealous and frustrated, feeling left out, as I've failed, failed the one I love with all my heart, I do know I have the best husband in the world & he is everything to me.
But It hurts, when will these pains go away.....
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Thoughts, Feelings & Updates...
Wow, been awhile since I updated, guess I should do this more often. But kind of hard when life is so busy. Hubby started a new job back in May more pay + 100% medical for him and I and whatever kids we have when the time comes, which is great!
March 2009 I got diagnosed with high insulin, not high enough to be diabetic but high enough that my body was having a period 24/7 & telling me to get things on track with diet and exercise. I started out at 51 inch waist & 250lbs, yeah ouch, I didn't realize. I quit smoking over 9 years ago, I still couldn't believe I was so big, having a ex-boyfriend who was over weight before I met hubby didn't help I know that much and the fact cause he ate out pretty much all the time. When hubby and I met back in late winter 2005 I didn't think I was that big cause I was starting to exercise after my ex went to work, I weighed about 205lbs or so. So I thought anyways, I know I gained weight since cause I got comfortable, to comfortable that happens with everyone. Well here I am almost 6 months after being diagnosed and 42lbs lighter and 14 inches gone. Only thing is til things get under control and I lose (to my goal) 58 more lbs then hopefully I can get the OK to start trying for a family, which I want the OK come my birthday or Christmas only thing I want this year really.
Which brings me to my next bit of updates, August 2009 Grandma broke her hip they put the pins in and gave her meds to help the pain. I thought things where going to be OK. Turns out she wouldn't eat, tossed her hearing aid to the floor, same with her glasses and said, " I just want to be with Grandpa." As soon as I heard this from my Aunt it broke my heart into a million pieces. I love my Grandmother she is more like a mother as my Grandfather is more like a father to me. They are everything to me. Days went by where I was paying the bills hoping to squeeze money from somewhere. Ever since hubby started his new job money had been a little tight not a bunch just to the point we where not getting much back into savings cause our savings we did have went to his new gear, which was fine. Bills where getting paid so that was fine. But deep down I knew Grandma would understand why I wasn't there. My father in law offered to pay part of a bus ticket but I just couldn't he was/is going though some stuff of his own. Few more days passed then our phone started to get weird lines crossing, static, annoying. Some reason I knew in my heart something was about to happen, sure enough my Uncle Gary called to say Grandma had passed away. I could barley hear him because of the static but I knew what he had said. My heart broke, shattered into a million pieces, I am slowly still picking up the pieces to this day. It's been very hard. But I know she is where she wanted to be, with Grandpa.
Other then that things are still on the go with renovation work, doing pretty good, father in law and I got the outside trim painted, hubby and I got the basement half way cleaned up, got some stuff tossed out to big item pickup, living room finished, spare room finished, master bedroom is close just need some paint on the ceiling, new ceiling fan, new closet doors and we can move our stuff back in there. Kitchen and driveway and basement are the last of things with a bit of odds and ends, we should be ready to go come spring and put the house up so we can buy a bigger one, this one is to small for a family.
Other then that I started beta testing/playing a new online game, "Aion" It's a fantasy MMO. I tried getting back into City of Heroes but I just can't after 5.5 years I have gotten very burned out, new updates look cool but I am ready for a change.
I am very tired these past few weeks, I think I am coming down with a cold or something, but at the same time I feel very unattractive and just want to be left alone. It might have to do with the weight loss I don't know. I just can't wait for Aion to start so I can get some of this stress off my shoulders and kill things in a online game to release stress and anger. Doesn't help when people poke at me to do things I already know and have on my list of things to do, reason I snap sometimes, very frustrating. I just can't wait til we move and this headache is over with all this renovation crap. I just want to say ENOUGH!
March 2009 I got diagnosed with high insulin, not high enough to be diabetic but high enough that my body was having a period 24/7 & telling me to get things on track with diet and exercise. I started out at 51 inch waist & 250lbs, yeah ouch, I didn't realize. I quit smoking over 9 years ago, I still couldn't believe I was so big, having a ex-boyfriend who was over weight before I met hubby didn't help I know that much and the fact cause he ate out pretty much all the time. When hubby and I met back in late winter 2005 I didn't think I was that big cause I was starting to exercise after my ex went to work, I weighed about 205lbs or so. So I thought anyways, I know I gained weight since cause I got comfortable, to comfortable that happens with everyone. Well here I am almost 6 months after being diagnosed and 42lbs lighter and 14 inches gone. Only thing is til things get under control and I lose (to my goal) 58 more lbs then hopefully I can get the OK to start trying for a family, which I want the OK come my birthday or Christmas only thing I want this year really.
Which brings me to my next bit of updates, August 2009 Grandma broke her hip they put the pins in and gave her meds to help the pain. I thought things where going to be OK. Turns out she wouldn't eat, tossed her hearing aid to the floor, same with her glasses and said, " I just want to be with Grandpa." As soon as I heard this from my Aunt it broke my heart into a million pieces. I love my Grandmother she is more like a mother as my Grandfather is more like a father to me. They are everything to me. Days went by where I was paying the bills hoping to squeeze money from somewhere. Ever since hubby started his new job money had been a little tight not a bunch just to the point we where not getting much back into savings cause our savings we did have went to his new gear, which was fine. Bills where getting paid so that was fine. But deep down I knew Grandma would understand why I wasn't there. My father in law offered to pay part of a bus ticket but I just couldn't he was/is going though some stuff of his own. Few more days passed then our phone started to get weird lines crossing, static, annoying. Some reason I knew in my heart something was about to happen, sure enough my Uncle Gary called to say Grandma had passed away. I could barley hear him because of the static but I knew what he had said. My heart broke, shattered into a million pieces, I am slowly still picking up the pieces to this day. It's been very hard. But I know she is where she wanted to be, with Grandpa.
Other then that things are still on the go with renovation work, doing pretty good, father in law and I got the outside trim painted, hubby and I got the basement half way cleaned up, got some stuff tossed out to big item pickup, living room finished, spare room finished, master bedroom is close just need some paint on the ceiling, new ceiling fan, new closet doors and we can move our stuff back in there. Kitchen and driveway and basement are the last of things with a bit of odds and ends, we should be ready to go come spring and put the house up so we can buy a bigger one, this one is to small for a family.
Other then that I started beta testing/playing a new online game, "Aion" It's a fantasy MMO. I tried getting back into City of Heroes but I just can't after 5.5 years I have gotten very burned out, new updates look cool but I am ready for a change.
I am very tired these past few weeks, I think I am coming down with a cold or something, but at the same time I feel very unattractive and just want to be left alone. It might have to do with the weight loss I don't know. I just can't wait for Aion to start so I can get some of this stress off my shoulders and kill things in a online game to release stress and anger. Doesn't help when people poke at me to do things I already know and have on my list of things to do, reason I snap sometimes, very frustrating. I just can't wait til we move and this headache is over with all this renovation crap. I just want to say ENOUGH!
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