Heartbroken....

No other words describe how I feel right now, these feelings been eating me alive for almost a month now, I miss Grandpa & Grandma so much it hurts. I wish I could pick up the phone & call just to say, "Hi" knowing deep down hearing there voice would make me happy but all I can hear at the other end is dial tone knowing I will never hear there voices again only though the memories that flood my head daily. The blanket that sits on the back of my chair still smells like there home, knowing in time that smell will fade I wish it wouldn't.

As I sit here sleepless as my tears blind my sight, listening to my husband snore getting rest for the both of us I wonder to myself if he is truly happy, he says he is but some days I wonder, I don't dought my own husband I just know deep down he is like me, wanting the family we both dream of, but as of this moment it isn't possible due to my health condition and some days I feel as if I have failed him, I know in time I will get better and lose the weight I need to, bring my insulin down and be on track. But when is the question I ask myself, sure I have lost almost 42lbs in almost 6 months (as of the 21st) but to me that isn't enough, I push hard everyday to hard some days to the point where I know it hurts my body physically. It's hard knowing we been married almost 5 years and no children have entered our lives as of yet. I know Grandma always told me your time will come just wait, but the thing is I am almost 28 he is almost 34, I just wonder if we will start to feel to old before our chance comes, and I don't want that reason I push more everyday. I see friends, family around me getting pregnant for the first time, second, sometimes 3rd or 4Th, I get so jealous and frustrated, feeling left out, as I've failed, failed the one I love with all my heart, I do know I have the best husband in the world & he is everything to me.

But It hurts, when will these pains go away.....