Saturday, January 20, 2007

Friday, January 19, 2007

Depression or is it Mixed Emotions?

Back in December when I didn't have my computer I didn't wanna do anything or go anywhere, I have many friends online that do mean alot to me because I've known them forever or started getting to know them and just never finished (because I don't talk to them anymore or visa versa) or still getting to know them. I have my reasons for giving up a few friends though. Finally when I got my computer back I didn't feel depressed anymore, sad some people think I know. BUT when you try and try to make friends and make some but then you call and no one calls you back, so after awhile you finally give up. So in my case I gave up and went with friends I have online which ya sure most id love to meet one day hang out and just whatever, y'know?

Well now the new year has arrived, things change people change. Life starts going good for a bit but then to find out the other person don't still feel that way it was/is a act it seems it gets to be a slap in the face. You try and try and still try to figure stuff out and try to work on things for the better, but the question is will it happen? Deep down you hope so but at the surface things are uncertain. It kills you to know what the future holds for you and everyone around you. You have your dreams and hopes but where does that leave you?

This is where the depression comes in because you know deep down what you want but you might not have it. You cry and scream on the inside you love someone so much it makes you cry, makes you fall down and not want to get up because it seems like they don't feel the same way back. Everything around you and everyone around you say yeah they are gonna help and support you and be there for you but then you sit back and look and all they are by most are just words... Just like the words " I Love You" Seeming like they have no meaning and your not sure if and when you should say them. It just sucks because you don't know what the future will bring heck you don't even know what tomorrow will bring. Thats where the mixed emotions come in too because you cry then feel happy then just feel crazy the next minute....

Then you think something is wrong with you, then again you just wanna curl up in a corner and forget the world and everyone around you.

Part of you ... all you want is to be happy, you know deep down that is possible some how some way... but where do you start?

Another thing that is now bugging me and making me feel down is this summer I need to renew a few things, thats money. Renewing it? There is a NO answer its something that HAS to be done no matter what! Now we also have to pay back a debt we where told not to worry about, that makes me feel pissed but really sad and depressed at the sametime because the money I could be saving for a trip back home will be no longer, the money i need to renew stuff by the time all that comes around.... money will be so tight I will have to give up my visit back home. Great and while waiting for a renewl I am scared something will happen to my grandparents they are going on 91 and 93 this year just moved into a nursing home. What if something happens and I can't get to them because of the no money factor? I AM FUCKING SCREWED! (pardon my language) But yes I understand we borrowed the money we have to pay it back, BUT we where told not to worry about paying it back then *Slap* you do now! Makes me wanna scream and cry at the sametime! *sigh* Another couple friends of mine that are getting married probably come spring, down in Flordia? Can I attend that? Probably not ....... *slams my head on the desk*

I might as well crawl into a corner and never come out because thats the way I feel right now

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Wednesday, January 17, 2007


A Special Someone Said They Had A Dream About Divorce, I Looked In The Dream Dictonary and Found This It's What There Dream Ment.

A dream of a divorce, whether you are in a courtroom or not, is a warning that you must change your ways and learn to compromise rather then demand, or your marriage is in danger of divorce. A single life of frustration is that of a woman who dreams of a divorce because of cheating lovers.

Monday, January 15, 2007

My Rant

Sorry for my previous rant, it's just videos are whats pissing me off, promises shouldn't be broken, in the end it breaks peoples heart, makes them feel less of a person.


Why Can't Some People Keep Them?
They say one thing but do another . . .
Makes life just suck.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Another Day . . . .

Well Another Day Is Here . . .

Lets see, I woke up at 630am I went to bed at a half decent time think it was about 1am, i really dont remember honestly though.

I was playing City Of Heroes, heh but when are I not! lol, well I was working on my character Cute Canadian she is now level 25! YAY! I will post more about my characters one day ^_^

I also did some cooking and cleaning up last night, this is one good thing about working part time and knowing you can afford it, do whatcha want as long as your housework gets done. So either way it works for me! I enjoy my jobs don't get me wrong but at the sametime I still rather be home full time which I will one day but for now this is awesome too.

I will be in the near future putting up some recipes of mine to get some feed back on, I am working on a cookbook right now, which I am looking into publishing myself because my father in law works at a print shop. Which is totally cool. So be sure to check back!

On the other side of things my cat Scyko is in heat AGAIN! damn it just seems like last week she got done her last phase, but she went into heat one week then Salem then her again and now UGH! Im ready to pull my hair out, I could of got them both fixed once upon a time but thats when Richard and I where having problems and it just never got done, ahh well can't do it now cause of the blood vessles or something the vet said they could bleed to death. I wont take that chance I will just put up with it.

Well I gotta toss what we had for breakfast (the leftovers) in the fridge and well go from there, probably do a few things then go back to bed, Im still tired . . . Until next time have a good one !

Friday, January 12, 2007

New Years Resolutions!

Well the new year has begun, lets see . . .
Where to begin, well lets start with what I want to accomplish this year kinda like resolutions ^_^ Hm....
Well I do want to get started on my cookbook and hopeful get it published and some sold, I already made my one myspace account back into a "me" profile instead of roleplay. I was thinking of putting up some recipes and what not and get some feedback etc...

As for every year I made this promise to myself and I been doing great on it and I am going to continue . . . LOOSING WEIGHT! I've lost 10 inches in my waist since last year and that makes me SO HAPPY! Just a pain cause I need to go shopping every few months for new pants LOL, but hey Im happy so it's cool! I plan to keep going, I never used to be a big girl well not BIG HUGE BIG I don't even look like a size 16 but I do wear a lot of big clothes, but anyways! I used to be a size 6 back in my day then I quit smoking and oops I gained 100lbs but it happens.

Another thing I am promising myself is to be happy remain happy blah blah you get the picture.

Finish remodeling my house is another goal, I have the living room and our bedroom done and the spare room half done, still have the kitchen, bathroom and basement to go as well as putting another coat of stain on the deck in the spring/summer then there is the roof but it will get done soon enough ^_^ I hope by the end of the year myself.

My art work, time to dust off my hands and fingers and start practicing again!

Singing - Yes I do sing most don't hear me but I do and those who have heard me, they became speechless ^_^

City Of Heroes/villains - I been playing this game since beta, but when I left my old bf he deleted the account he says so when I moved to the USA I restarted a new account, I finally got Mistress Noire to level 50 in July of 2005 but I been wanting/needing to get another 50 its just altitus kicks in and well great! I have more toons to play, but Im gonna have to work on another toon most def and get another 50 if not 2 ^_^

Im sure there is more but well this is good for now, ill write more later or something, hehe.


Monday, January 01, 2007


Well let's see
I have to say last night was the best new years ever!
I played City Of Heroes most of the night because we had a rocken pvp event going on! It was great!
lasted almost until 430-5am!!
It was wild!

Ill update more soon, i just need to take a nap, i only got a hour sleep after that event last nite and im beat! Ill update more tonight or something I hope to anyways!

Until later . . . .


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