Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sad Stuff

is feeling like her heart has been stabbed, ripped in half, and trampled on

Just wen u think u have no more tears u start to cry again, and then u realize that just like last time there is nobody to wipe away Ur tears and say I love you

If I were gone would you even care? would you sit down and cry? or would you be happier because things are easier for you now?

Feels like a knife is in her heart and everyday it's pushed in more and more by the people she loves...

A Mistake is when something is done once maybe twice! If it's repeated again & again It's called a Habit!! Then the word Sorry means nothing!! Get the Hint!!!

You said you'd never break my heart you said you'd never make me cry. So all those times that you did , did you close your eyes?

it takes a minute to like someone, a month to love someone, but to forget someone takes a lifetime

I wanna hug you, if only you would hug me back. I wanna kiss you, if only you would kiss me back. I love you, if only you would love me back.

is riding the biggest emotional roller-coaster ever. Will someone please let me off, I want to feel normal again. :(

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


Well last time I went over to my friends was last Friday, hung out with the kids & Colored some pictures for when the guys got back from NY. Was quite a bit of fun! ~ Time after that was Sunday when I went to pick up her son & friend from NY and come back here to watch movies, she was at work and my other friend (Her hubby) was sleeping cause he drove all the way from NY back so understandable why he was so tired. But little did I know that they had some chores to do before they left, so since then she told me she wasn't mad at me when she picked them up Sunday but I haven't seen her or talked to her even on facebook & Ive tired calling but no luck getting in touch with anyone which makes me wonder & yet sad at the same time.

I know shes been on Facebook cause I see her posts from the fb games. Not sure what's going on there, Ive talked to her son everything seems to be okay, but doesn't help me from worrying since her mom said she wasn't feeling good come Sunday evening, so I been trying to see how shes feeling and find out her schedule cause id like to hang out and do girly things u know? Exp tomorrow since Hubby is working & Ill have the car tomorrow. Which will be nice for once =D ~ Do gotta go fix there pc at some point, it's still not fixed either that or Ill have to bring it over here. Since the house is up for sale and what not.

Went to my OB yesterday & my doc, things went okay at the OB waiting on more test results, and doctor went okay tests came back well BUT my blood pressure is high was 140/101 ..... prolly partly cause of the phenterme and today was the first day without it, I ate 3 drumsticks, baked chicken, fries and that's it really.... doesn't sound like much but was quite a bit.... That could be one reason why my BP is high but also cause of the stress from selling the house and dealing with my father in law and his controlling bull. Hubby been acting like him at times or just agreeing with him which stresses me out even more, sometimes crying helps me calm down but then I am really upset and want to leave for awhile but it's kinda hard to do, since when I try to get in touch with folks doesn't workout to well that way.

I still really am against selling the house cause I don't' want to move, but I really don't have a choice, Ive tired to explain my peace and fears and everything but I am just told I am being silly, I don't like moving for the fact I have done it so much from the time I was born til I was 23/24, I finally have a place I can call home for the last 5.5 years, every time I move I lose those I love and care about or I lose touch or I never see them again and I don't want that to happen since most of my friends I hang out with are this way cause everyone where hubby wants to move to I make plans they get changed or dropped completely which totally sucks. I know a few said we will still come visit but when is the question, I'm just sad that we will move when the house sells part of me doesn't want it to sell but id like a bigger house but I just dunno anymore I feel like I am starting in a slump of depression and I can't get out mainly started yesterday after my doc apps... =(

Friday, July 09, 2010

I been officially adopted by my best friends Mom

Yup my friend Yoey's mom told me the other day I am officially her daughter & the kids are my niece & nephews lol. To funny! I have to say I am happy that I have more of a extended family now since my family I did know (Grandpa and Grandma) are not longer with us.... so I need and want as much family as I can get! But having hubbys family, my best friends family & more is always wonderful!

Well time to get hubby's uniforms washed up & finishing up a few things around here while he goes and gets his brother, then I am gonna go & hang out with Jazzy Jered & Jeremy (and Yoey when she gets in from work) ~ Finish up some art projects we started on Wed ~ The guys will be back from NY this weekend!! =)

Well time to finish & head off since hubby is spending time with his bro tonight I need to go amuse myself otherwise and sitting in my room by myself isn't one of them lol


I just want everything to work out honestly but everyone needs to quit acting like jerks and what not cause it is stressful and I am TRYING TO KEEP MY BLOOD PRESSURE DOWN Since my app is on Wed...


Is happy today !!

Busy day too... Errands, hubbys uniforms, spend time with hubby & later when hubby hangs out with his bro I am gonna take off to hang out with the kids and finish stuff for when the guys get back from NY tomorrow, still wish I could of gone with them! Sounds like they where having a blast & Jonathan said hes bringing me back some NY pizza they are gonna keep in the cooler lol.

Ill prolly most likely be staying at there house tomorrow night cause Ill be staying Sunday to work on the PC and hang out with the family now that they will be back plus I been officially adopted by my best friends Mom lol. She asked me if I wanted to go to church with her and Jazzy Sunday so this way no gas wasted back and forth etc

Well time to get the day started, already paid bills, did the budget and got a few things done, time to get the rest of the day done! W00T!

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Weight Updates!!

Wow I just keep dropping & be honest I have not had anytime to workout, I am not complaining on that fact just shocked! I been just so stressed with the house stuff, my father in law, hubby... father in law is trying to control EVERYTHING when it comes to selling MINE & HUBBYS house & I been very annoyed to the point after telling my father in law NO BACK OFF for the last 3yrs and with hubby not saying anything I finally gave up, decided to spend a lot of time at my friends house hanging out there helping out & spending time with the kids, I didn't care I was well still am tired!

Father in law was away for the last week which was nice hubby & I had a few talks and spats and came to a agreement on some stuff but saying and doing are 2 diff things for him seriously =P

His dad came back last night to do some work I wasn't here though I went to my friends and left a nice little note on the table (trust me I know why my mother in law isn't married to him anymore lol) But hubby is starting to act like him & he doesn't realize how controlling hes getting and saying who I can and can't hang out with & when I need to be home etc, hes lightened up quite a bit since a week ago prolly cause his dads been gone or was... but i told him u need to stand up to your dad cause i been just turning blue so yeah ..

I am a survivor though always have been, just tuff stuff, tho going from 255lbs to 176lbs in 15.5 months tho rocks! Tho now my BMI went from 44 15.5 months ago now to a 30 I am officially at the bottom of the obese chart since 30+ is considered obese... I am happy where I am at though my belly is a pain to get rid of but the rest of me is rock solid muscle ; ) ~ I wanted my goal of 150 or so but at this point Im happy so if I lose I lose as long as I don't go back above 200 Ill be happy no matter what =) Also... While I was gone for 2 weeks there, I was a size 16 or so when I left.... I can officially say... I fit into my size 14s but I have room LOL so..... yay!? =)

Monday, July 05, 2010

Thinking Of Things To Do....

Well summer is now here, kids outta school
Ever since I spent all that time with my friends and there kids, since I been back home been going a bit stir crazy exp most of all when hubby is at work, I wanna hang out with them & the kids and have some fun, my friend Jonathan said when they get back from NY they are gonna go to the theme park, which I wanna go too! He told me no excuses they where gonna take me weather I liked it or not since I NEVER been on a roller coaster lol
Hey fine by me I don't care !
But I also been thinking of taking the 2 young ones to the Zoo prolly on a Tuesday since it's cheaper.... thinking thinking but ya I just wanna get out and do stuff after my cleaning is done & hubby is at work
I have no idea how stir crazy Ill be once we move cause our friends we live around then either sleep all day or work so... god I am gonna go crazy better get a white room ready, haha kidding, hopefully my friends from back this way wont mind the 30-45min drive to come visit or come get me etc *crosses fingers*
Well hubbys off the next 2 days and his dad is back in town *groan*
So.... yeah

Wish me luck =P

*spin in chair*


*jump up & down*

*spin spin in chair*


Friday, July 02, 2010

Borrrrrrred & Jealous, lol

Well you got it another rant/boredom post ......

Today I got asked to go to a amusement park with some friends/family of mine, thing is I couldn't since I had more crap around here to do with cleaning etc.... I spent yesterday sweeping, dishes, dusting, putting on the new couch cover, bathroom, spare room, beds, curtains, cleaning around the PCs, cleaning the tables, counters, laundry (5 loads), sweeping the basement, making phone calls, cleaning/dusting the blinds and sewing up pants, today I did the rest of the laundry, dishes, cut the grass, floors, bathroom, brushing the kitties, and tonight I have some store runs to make for new cat water filters, milk, bread, lunch meat..... but yet it is never enough... *sigh* wonder why I am stressed, I hate crying all the time, I am still hurting over Grandma dying last Aug and still on Grandpa & our friend William but I am just to "get over it" and "swallow the hurt and deal with it later" Ya bull shit.... Grandma hasn't even been gone a year yet and her birthday/mother's day/grandpa's birthday/father's day/year of when Will died just passed (April/May/June) but I am just to "Get over it"

Well I left last Thursday to help my friends with there PC, I was up til 5am working on it and watching tv with there oldest son & chit chatting I talked to hubby that night & he said he didn't care what time it was he would come get me & take me home since he was off Friday but thing was I was still working and by the time I dozed off (5am) I said screw it when I woke at 6:30 when the kids where getting up for school, I got up & made them breakfast since my friend (there mom) was still in bed & my other friend (there dad) was in the shower getting ready for work. So after they all left I told hubby previous that I was gonna be back out hanging out with my friend Friday anyways cause it's her ONLY day off last week & he was having his brother over anyways so I didn't feel like coming home to clean or whatever for 2-3hrs then go back, no point really when I could be hanging out with her and he was off Saturday anyways! Well I thought that his brother would be spending the night so I stayed put myself. Turns out after the movies he left I told hubby he could of called me I could of came home! =/

Saturday came around thought I would go home since Hubby & I planned a evening of movies/dinner and we had errands to run that day, little did I know I had to hear him his brother and his dad go at it over a stupid ceiling fan and other things, I wanted to say STFU & GET OUT! I am serious I am tired of the yelling and stress and bull shit with the house going up on the market. His mom even stopped by with her hubby & told me she had to leave and leave fast she was already tired of hearing them go at one another so she finally rolled her eyes and left. (and after what his dad said to me the other day I don't want him here at all he was acting like MY dad and putting me down and saying hurtful shit, for that I am really not liking the man right now almost to the point of saying I hate him & I don't want him around me or his grandkids if/when we decide on having them!)

I spent most of the day running errands, It was nice to get out by myself and do them instead of hearing hubby how long I was gonna be etc since I spend quite a bit of time in the grocery store lol I have a habit of reading all labels, plus I was able to turn up MY music & relax and drive around enjoying the hot weather =) ~ I did miss hanging out with my friends and there kids, I was having a blast, nice stress re-leaver too. I did miss hubby don't get me wrong I just didn't miss the tension & bitching in the air which has been a non stop thing as of late & with my doctor worried on my high blood pressure or borderline I should say I want it to come down before my next app in 10 days.

Well hubby then invited his brother to stay for dinner Saturday and usually I don't mind but it was to be OUR afternoon/evening hanging out together, he then said he wanted to go to the store which was fine but then a hour later not back yet? I was mad cause I had dinner started by this point the kitchen cleaned up and the rest of the house cept laundry couldn't do that cause Eric had his stuff in the washer !! I usually don't mind but shit if your going to the store go and come back simple, but hubby wanted to play a immature childish act he says it was because when my friend and I went out shopping the other day then swapped cars and went somewhere else (which he knew about) because we stopped for 10mins on the way bringing me home at her house so we could doctor my arm (sunburn all to hell hurt like a bitch too) and she can tuck her kids into bed. Ooooo 10 mins fucking cripes, she had forgot her cell in the car so we didn't know he called til we got in to take me home, he called the house phone but the kids lost it reason why we left right away lol.

Well anyways Saturday was the day my friends mom slipped & fell in a water puddle at walmart no wet floor sign nothing, so she had to head to the hospital to get checked to be sure nothing was broken. They needed to get 4-6 sewing projects done before Wed when my friends hubby & their oldest was leaving for vacation cause they where working on sewing projects for the new babies that will be coming into the family soon. With her mom bruised to the bone and hardly being able to get around she had to call sick to work. By this point I got a hold of hubby and I told him he could come home now or when my friend and her mom came by I might as well go back over there cause I came home to have the evening with him but if he was staying over there I wasn't gonna stay home solo. Makes sense right? So he could of said I am on my way home .. but no... so by this point I said well you got your choice come home now or else kinda thing when they get here I am leaving, I still had work to do over there anyways. So they showed up no hubby so I grabbed my pc and left so they would have a pc they could use while I was still working on theirs only fair in that aspect. Sunday came around I spent the night no reason for me to go home since who knows when hubby got home. Plus he was working Sunday so ... when he got home I called him and told him we needed to chat cause I was tired of stressing and crying and listening to the BS with him and his dad and all of us and being told I don't do enough well he was eating dinner & didn't wanna listen to me so he hung up, how the fuck are we gonna work shit out if he keeps shutting down seriously, another thing that makes me fear get closer and closer to coming true and its not all me its him too! Ive been only asking him to tell me its gonna be okay and keep me safe and sound but ugh he can't even do that, hes come around a bit since last night but saying it while holding on to me and actually meaning it is another story!

Thing is also ever since we got closer and closer to get the house up for sale and now that it is my fear kicks in yes the fear i been talking about, hubby thinks its silly but to me its not from age newborn til I was 24 I moved almost every year of my life and every time I did I always lost friends/family/ppl I love & care about..... since then I been able to settle for the last 5 years in the house we are in now, I know eventually one day we where gonna look for a bigger house when we have kids etc but we don't even have kids yet.... and now that most if not all my good friends are near this house I wanna stay !! ~ I mean I feel safe here its my little shell so to speak. I am not ready to move and where hubby wants to move is way the fuck out there, sure some family/friends are there but every time I wanted to go with them or do something, something always comes up so.... and one of them after the drama going on there I don't wanna hang out with her. So I got sick of trying. Plus my friends kids I love them to death. Every time I am over there I get told the kids are happy and they don't want me to leave. Every time they see me its like instant attachment and I seriously don't mind one bit! Plus being in the middle of everyone is perfect !! Sure there are other kids I can hang out with too hubby's other brothers kids but I barley know them and last time one of them came over he sat on my pc and played city of heroes the whole time lol, at least with these kids they have some games and such but its something everyone can play OR we go outside and run around which is much healthier =)

Also if we move where hubby wants I wont have the car prolly 85-95% of the time cause he will have it at work and Ill be way out in BUTT FUCK IDAHO with no way to get back to the city to hang out with my friends! Could get the second car back on the road I know we can afford it & stuff but hes saying NO so.... I love being home but id like to get out too, he tells me ill need a job then to pay for the second car, okay we are eventually gonna need it anyways what if/when we have kids and one gets hurt & i gotta take him to his work? which is like 45mins to a hour drive? He says ambulance pffft for $1000 each time and it's NOT covered that's outta pocket!? BULL!

I swear we need to come up with some kinda agreement but every time we talk about shit it turns into one big argument and I am getting so tired, angry & frustrated beyond belief, I honestly sometimes wish I was in NY this week with my friend & his son, ive seen a vid of them eating NY pizza gosh darn I am so jealous!! After hearing so much about NY in the last few weeks I wanted to go lol. Maybe another time, I know we where planning a trip to Canada once they get there passports, be fun =)

I just hope things work out soon, I also wanna get my tattoo, I wanna head to some metal concerts in the area..... maybe I will get a job eventually just so I can save up some cash & buy a new new car with a CD player I love the 1994 Chev we have in the back don't get me wrong unless there is someway to hook up a portable CD player and get that nasty smell outta the car, speaking of nasty smells I finally got the smoking smell outta our Kia but some arse says I can't handle stress, hes one to talk Mr start smoking again BULL *sigh* I seriously didn't lose almost 80lbs for nothing on my end of the promise he was doing awesome over a year smoke free then cause hes stressed cause I wasn't here to help with house shit he starts again, just love being in the black when hes gotta go buy smokes, arse face.

Anyways I think I am done ranting for now, something needs to change and its not me going back to being home full time with my tail between my legs, Ive been doing that every year and just agreeing with whom ever i was living with/with and I am getting sick of it, I wanna stand my ground and be ME, Ill be home full time and take care of the house but when I wanna spend time with hubby, friends, family etc Ill go do it and I don't wanna hear people bitch and whine, I mean sure Ill be home to spend time with hubby when he gets home etc that's fine but when its just me here by myself I am going to enjoy myself =)

Wonder Woman gets 21st century makeover

.... She's to skinny now IMO
...... where did the cleavage go?

Well off to sleep busy day of housework again tomorrow ..... *sigh* I don't mind being home full time & taking care of the house and such but this cleaning things are not dirty is ridiculous seriously like the realiter lady said people are gonna realize ppl still live here & it don't have to be perfect... she needs to tell hubby & my father in law that!! ~ Well sleep now.... Ill go dream of being on a roller coaster since it will be the closest I get to one for now and enjoy my safe & happy feeling while we still live in the house (before it sells) we are in now before I move away from all my friends I hang out with or talk to on a regular bases cause I know once I move I wont see most of them anymore which sucks total balls....... Ill live I guess but I don't think Ill be as happy as I have been, just have to wait & see I guess.... Sleep seriously now... my mind been going a mile a second on thinking I need to try & relax some more my head really hurts, but seriously thing is I move far that way I don't think Ill be home much since Ill be hanging out with friends if I am able to get to them or they are able to get to me *yawn* But Ill prolly be home on hubbys off days, who knows *thud* ....... Zzzzzzz