Sunday, April 17, 2016

Sometimes I Ask Myself Why!?

(I wrote this the other day)

So today well the last week I been asking myself WHY
Why on a lot of things.
Why do we have to lose those we love human and fur baby
Why am I working out
Why do I keep moving forward
Why do I have to do this
Why do I have to do that
Why why why......
I know I been pretty sad since we lost both Bubbles and Slayer not even 2 months of each other, makes me wonder WHY
I hate the pain I feel
I hate the sadness I feel
It just hurts
I know things are going to take time
But I still ask myself WHY
I don't know how much more sadness one's heart can take
Mine crumbled into a million pieces twice in not even two months
But when Slayer passed it never had time to recover so those millions of pieces feel like they went into 5 million or more pieces.
I normally don't write personal things online all that often especially feelings..... and that sort of thing anyway.
I try to express most of my stuff though art and other means but I really don't know how to express that much of how I feel though my art right now cause I have sadness, anger, and many other feels bottled up.
I give all my attention to our other kitties, and of course do things and show Charlie how much I love him.
But it always comes down to WHY am I doing what I am doing.
I love Charlie and I love our babies, but why does it hurt when we lose those we love.
When I lost my grandparents I thought it was the worst ever, but losing Slayer was a billion times worse.
Plus I was close with my grandparents, they raised me.
Every morning I get up, wash my face and look in the mirror, I then go get some coffee and check my msgs on my computer, I then get up and move around and do my workout, then I rest for a few mins to catch my breath then I make myself a smoothie/food. I then sit back at my computer or watch tv til Charlie gets up.
I just sometimes stare blank off into the distance and sometimes ask WHY.
I wish I knew the answer.
I am not looking forward to other times losing loved ones and babies so I ask WHY.
I even thought and almost did fall back off my fitness train, but then I would see Slayer and Bubbles staring at me when I close my eyes giving me that look of "Get off your ass mom, don't fall backwards, go forwards"
But it hurts to go forwards cause I know one day I will have to go though the hurt and pain of more loss.
Why couldn't there be a wand that cures all sickness.
Why can't there be a drink of immortality
Why can't there be a fruit i can eat and go back to my healthy weight and size I was when I graduated.
Again ....... WHY

Sorry for the sad post, like say I normally don't post these kinda things but its been something that been on my mind and I can't get it out in art so might as well put these feelings and thoughts into words....

I sometimes wish I had a T.A.r.D.i.S to go back in time and grab myself before certain things happened (loss of loved ones, weight gain, etc etc) and tell myself so i can be some what prepared or even stop myself from gaining all the weight, or tell myself to ignore those that made fun of me, etc. Spend the time with certain loved ones human and pet knowing there time will come and when.

But the question is... why would I do that?

Would it make things easier?
in some ways yes
but in some ways no
But all and all, I know freaken know!

Thanks for reading

Wednesday, April 06, 2016

Slayer 1997-2016

I never experienced losing a pet before the way we had lost Slayer.... but as hubby said, "He was probably trying to hang on cause he didn't wanna go, he loves you and weeks ago when his hour glass was coming to its last grain you filled it back up with your love and that's probably what kept him going as long as he did, I didn't tell you but when we got back from the vet there was a cat across the street that sat and was looking at the house, even the cats in the neighborhood knew what you had done, its going to be okay we will see him again when its our time"

But this morning as I held him during his final moments I started to pray and ask God to please not now, I don't want to lose him that I wasn't ready..... I then looked at Slayer and said, "It's okay baby mommy is here, I love you with all my heart" I saw that same twinkle in his eye as I always do when he would look at me. He understood my words, he did put up a little fight though not wanting to go but I kept telling him it was okay as much as it broke my heart. He then snuggled closer to me it was like he was hugging me. We drove to the vets as quick as we could but as we where heading there things got quiet.

I do know this, Slayer did live a pretty amazing spoiled life. He loved us as much as we loved him if not more. He moved here with me from Canada, sat in the center console on the ride down, he was always by my side during the darkest of times and even the best of times. He was a VERY smart cat and understood everything id say to him. Even when id say something really off the wall he would give me that look of, "Da fuq mom, really?"

All our babies hold special places in my heart, Slayer took things a paw further to make things extra special. Don't get me wrong all our babies are special but words can't describe on how much more special Slayer was and made things.

BUT After almost 12hrs of laying around, sleeping on and off and crying. Food all day = handful of crackers. Im finally getting up and moving around, still feel really numb, I know as time goes on so will the pain but it wont hurt AS much. But for now it hurts. Trying to eat some real food....... also need to clean up and do laundry since Joel's mom will be here in 30 something hours to stay a few days with us. I haven't done any cleaning or anything and everything's a disaster, as much as I dont' wanna do anything, I could see Slayer if he was here sitting in his chair giving me that, okay mom get off your ass and do something look. lol. 

I believe when its our time too all our fur babies and human loved ones will be waiting for us to come join the big party in heaven ♥

Bottom pic here was from about a month ago he wanted to snuggle and get my attention, and he was really cute in doing so :D

Slayer 1997-2016

Woke up this morning looking for Slayer since he wasn't in the bed with us, I wont go into details but he passed away in my arms.

He was happy and purring last night eating his food, he was doing much better over the last little while. But its been a scary and very sad morning and day so far today. 

Ive had Slayer since I was 18, my friend Mel and I found him in our friends backyard one night and since then he hasn't left my side.

Hes off playing with JR, Bubbles, and Olivia now.... til we meet again Buddy, Mama loves you