Sunday, April 17, 2016

Sometimes I Ask Myself Why!?

(I wrote this the other day)

So today well the last week I been asking myself WHY
Why on a lot of things.
Why do we have to lose those we love human and fur baby
Why am I working out
Why do I keep moving forward
Why do I have to do this
Why do I have to do that
Why why why......
I know I been pretty sad since we lost both Bubbles and Slayer not even 2 months of each other, makes me wonder WHY
I hate the pain I feel
I hate the sadness I feel
It just hurts
I know things are going to take time
But I still ask myself WHY
I don't know how much more sadness one's heart can take
Mine crumbled into a million pieces twice in not even two months
But when Slayer passed it never had time to recover so those millions of pieces feel like they went into 5 million or more pieces.
I normally don't write personal things online all that often especially feelings..... and that sort of thing anyway.
I try to express most of my stuff though art and other means but I really don't know how to express that much of how I feel though my art right now cause I have sadness, anger, and many other feels bottled up.
I give all my attention to our other kitties, and of course do things and show Charlie how much I love him.
But it always comes down to WHY am I doing what I am doing.
I love Charlie and I love our babies, but why does it hurt when we lose those we love.
When I lost my grandparents I thought it was the worst ever, but losing Slayer was a billion times worse.
Plus I was close with my grandparents, they raised me.
Every morning I get up, wash my face and look in the mirror, I then go get some coffee and check my msgs on my computer, I then get up and move around and do my workout, then I rest for a few mins to catch my breath then I make myself a smoothie/food. I then sit back at my computer or watch tv til Charlie gets up.
I just sometimes stare blank off into the distance and sometimes ask WHY.
I wish I knew the answer.
I am not looking forward to other times losing loved ones and babies so I ask WHY.
I even thought and almost did fall back off my fitness train, but then I would see Slayer and Bubbles staring at me when I close my eyes giving me that look of "Get off your ass mom, don't fall backwards, go forwards"
But it hurts to go forwards cause I know one day I will have to go though the hurt and pain of more loss.
Why couldn't there be a wand that cures all sickness.
Why can't there be a drink of immortality
Why can't there be a fruit i can eat and go back to my healthy weight and size I was when I graduated.
Again ....... WHY

Sorry for the sad post, like say I normally don't post these kinda things but its been something that been on my mind and I can't get it out in art so might as well put these feelings and thoughts into words....

I sometimes wish I had a T.A.r.D.i.S to go back in time and grab myself before certain things happened (loss of loved ones, weight gain, etc etc) and tell myself so i can be some what prepared or even stop myself from gaining all the weight, or tell myself to ignore those that made fun of me, etc. Spend the time with certain loved ones human and pet knowing there time will come and when.

But the question is... why would I do that?

Would it make things easier?
in some ways yes
but in some ways no
But all and all, I know freaken know!

Thanks for reading

No comments: