Monday, December 28, 2009

Monday, December 21, 2009

Updates & Happy Holidays!

It's that time of year again when everything is coming to a close & a new year is getting ready to begin, I have to say this years been so so, not the greatest but pretty good none the least.

We had a lot of sad times this year, let's start back at the beginning....

Jan - Was a so so month, after all it was the one year anniversary of losing my Grandpa who was like a father to me, it was hard but we got though it, still hard today but getting by....

Feb - Month of LOVE! ~ Hubby & I celebrated our 4 year wedding anniversary, it was a pretty good month, cold out snow all that fun stuff but we realized out fav times are with one another watching movies & just hanging out, we don't need to go out places & spend a lot of money to have a good time. Each other is enough (and of course gaming with great friends)

March - Was a pretty busy month getting things still on the go with renovating, I was still not working but hubby is cool with that, so I had been working on the house & playing online games while hubby was at work & when he got home we spent time together. This month I had finally got into a clinic for some check ups, found I weighed 250lbs and 51 inch waist....

April - Hubbys BIRTHDAY! ~ Was another good month, busy but good :) Hubby also was told about a new job with 100% medical as a Security guard, like the job he was doing at the time but had more perks and the benefits for both of us and any kids we have, so he went for it.

May - Hubby starts the new job, great month, he can work 4 days a week 10 hr days, which is perfect, means more us time which we enjoy :) ~ Still busy with home renovation stuff exp since spring started some what earlier then normal :) But this was another sad month due to a friend of ours who passed away unexpectedly :( ~ We miss you William ~ xo

June - Hubbys Job is going well, my health been doing A LOT better, things are going well :) ~ Busy with renovation stuff still, going to be til Spring 2010.

July - Check up for me, things are going really well, busy month :)

Aug - BUSY - Hubby got all his gear for his new job, but sad month also, Grandma died, she broke her hip & pretty much gave up, we knew she did when she said she wanted to be with Grandpa, she passed in her sleep. :( ~ I couldn't make the funeral due to lack of funds since hubby started his new job, but Grandma would of understood.

Sept - still a busy month and sad times, Hubby & I spent a lot of time together

Oct - Busy month but the wedding of my brother in law Forrest & best friend Mandy :) ~ YAY! ~ Busy is never ending ; )

Nov - Busy month of Thanksgiving, work and house stuff = STILL lol. But good news is only rooms left are Kitchen & Basement.

Dec - Many birthdays!! Our family/friends: DeeDee, Mikeal, Vince, Mom, Dad whew many many EVEN MINE! It's been a busy month & sad around my birthday since I was so used to my Grandma calling every year on my Birthday for the last 28 years and then bam, no call. It was hard but got though it thanks to my wonderful hubby & friends :) ~

Been great month though, got some great things from Hubby, family & friends. Getting ready for Christmas, planning on Christmas eve with my father in law & his gf then spending the night at my mother in laws so we can wake the next morning for Presents & Breakfast instead of doing a Christmas dinner type thing.

This past weekend we did a Christmas D20 game with a TON of our awesome friends & I made ham, turkey and tons of other food (still have left overs) ~ After dinner we played KILLER BUNNIES & CAR WARS! ~

In between all the doc apps I been going to making sure my body is doing alright & be sure I am in check after losing about 45lbs & 15 inches, Hubby & I are hoping for a clean bill of health to see what we can do next before starting our family since we wanna have 4-8 kids um yeah we wanna make sure we are healthy :)

Hubbys off new years eve, we where planning to invite a few friends over for movies or maybe one of the guys at his work plan to do something, either way we can't wait :)

Also thinking of getting rid of the phone & going with something more simple, no one calls and the only time we use it is to talk with people about the games we play with them which is rare since we use the online method 99% of the time over Pardus or Facebook. We will only call people when we actually have something to talk about, no point on sitting on the phone & talking when we have nothing to talk about, hubby & I said that months ago :P ~ There is only a few folks worth talking to anyways.

We can't wait til the spring, comicon & friends coming in from outta town to go with us, more friends here to come with us, going to be very exciting. New year new things, hope good things exp with docs apps and getting things on track, I hope to be my skinny self I was by the end of next year since I only got about another 50-60lbs to lose at most. I have a feeling its gonna be a good year.

Only thing hubby & I want for Christmas is to get the news all is okay & we can start a family soon :)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Monday, December 07, 2009

Ty For The Birthday Wishes!/Bloodwork Test Results!

This one comes from my friend John (aka BlackberryThorn in City of Heroes)- I nao 28 & Almost 50lbs lighter with around 50lbish to go!! Went from a 51 inch waist to now a 35... I smaller than Hubby?! Nao that's scary! =] -- Happy Birthday to John as well hes like my twin brother since we where born on the same day same year =P

Well as most of you know March 2009 I had a fasting test done, at the hour mark my level was at 219 ! ~ 1 point off of being Diabetic (Diabetic 220+ Normal 126 or less)

So yeah Diabetes does run in my family, and after I quit smoking 10 years ago I got lazy... BAD TINA! It's been in the males I thought I can't get it, I thought wrong or really close too. So here is to kicking it before it happens!

SO ....

Last Friday I went to get my results of my blood work I had another fasting test ANNNNNNNNND.......... my level at the hour mark today - 148 !!!




I go back in 3 months see how things are going, tomorrow I got into the OBGYN!

So here is to hoping for more good news like........

hey try & get preggers or something!

Hubby and I wanna start a family and have 4 or more kids :)

House is almost finished too, kitchen and basement still but master bedroom is done and we are moving back in there this week =]

I am truly blessed & today turning a year older as well!

I was bummed for a bit due to in the last 28 yrs of my life getting a phone call/card from Grandma & not getting one this year but I know she wouldn't want me to be sad.

I am almost almost down 50lbs since march another 50 to my goal, I got the biggest loser dvd the new one called : Last Chance Workout ~ ya it kicked my ass..... says I can lose 30lbs in 6 weeks I hope so cause that would mean 20-25lbs left to my goal!

Wish me luck!

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

New Buck Rodgers?

What's they thinking O_O!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Can You Say Holy Crap!

Can't wait til we get our new house so hubby can start gaming with me again!!
Looks like they are doing all out with this game in months/years to come, looks like by just the vid ~ Lvl cap is going up, new powers, housing - making your own town? O_O! What it looks like!, Underwater swimming & cities, mounts OMFG of awesomeness =] YOU MUST WATCH IT! *goes back to watching it* =]

OH I ALSO LOVE THE NEW AVG ~ It tells me when people put USBs or Data Drives into my pc when I am not around & scans them fully & tells me what's on them & what time it was put in, I LOVE TECH! <3 Cause I noticed @ 2am Sunday morning one was put in my computer someone is gonna get in trouble! D:<

Friday, November 20, 2009

Things/People We Are Thankful For in 2009

I mentioned as many as I could, those who I forgot I am sorry!! But id be here all day if I listed EVERYONE!! =] ~ I have to be honest so many things, just thanks from my heart, We are truly blessed and truly blessed for all our friendships and so much, thank you! =]

Awesome & Wonderful Husband & Wonderful Family Who I Love Very Much!

In laws/Parents for helping us as they do every year but this year has been crazy,thanks!

My Grandparents always being there for us when we need to talk or advice, now that you both are gone it's been tough getting though each day without you guys but we know your happy and together again, seeing your marriage last for 65+ years gives us hope.

Wonderful Friends

- Forrest & Mandy - Congratz on your wedding, we love you guys, thanks for being there always!

- William - RIP Brother we loved you very much, so sad to see you go at such a young age, still breaks our heart to this day.

- Joni & Lamont - Only have known you guys for a short time but you have been wonderful friends, Lamont Thanks for keeping a eye on hubbys back @ work!

- Bruce - We love ya bro, always giving great advice & funny jokes to make us smile

- Roman - Always knowing how to make us laugh, known you for a short time as well but you have been wonderful. Thanks for keeping a eye on hubbys back @ work!

- Weight Loss Friends - thanks for being awesome friends, motivators & being there when I have questions!

- Amy & Ms Gloria - Thanks for advice & great company when we go out & do our girly thing!

- Sean & Becca - Thanks for being great friends also, always know how to make us laugh & cheer us up when we need it!

- Dominique - My little sis, I love you & so happy for you!! ~ Baby on the way & getting married xoxo, thanks for everything too!

- Vince & Kim - Thanks for being so great also, making us smile & being there always we love you guys!

- Online gaming friends - You guys always know how to make us laugh & bring a smile to our face, one day we will meet face to face, til then you make the online gaming exp awesome!

& So many more of you!

- Our Beautiful Home that we been working on to sell for a bigger one, thanks to my family for helping us!

- My husbands awesome new job & medical

- Our Health

- Being able to get our second car *almost* back on the road (still in the shop)

- Learning how to drive & getting my license *SOON*™

- Losing almost 50lbs & 15 inches!

Friday, November 13, 2009

First Vet Reward AION

Almost 2 months have past since Aion went live, we got some goodies for being vets, this emote was one =]

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Tired, Stressed.... Sick.....

Well this past weekend was fun, hubby and I spent alot of time watching movies & Farscape. Went to a comicbook convention Sunday, but the guy that sold us a comic cough'd & sneezed all over us then finally covers his mouth & says sorry. UGH! GROSS!

Now hubby and I are both sick, tired, and stressed cause we have alot to do on the house before spring, I know this cause his dad tells me everytime I see him which is like everyday & getting very stressful.

"You guys need to finish getting things done, getting rid of the junk you don't use and packing up what you wont use til you move"

and I tell him the samething everytime.....

"Yes I know Dad, I wanna get things done on Joel's days off cause it's easier having 2 instead of one person but it's hard to get things going"

I mean sometimes I have plans to get all this stuff done but when I see hubbys tired and wants to relax, I don't say anything ... why because he works all the time and deserves that time to stand still for a bit. I know his dad is wanting rush rush rush and get everything in motion but thing is, I don't even know if hubbys ready to get a new house & have kids sometimes, he says he is but actions speak louder then words. Some days hes great and things are going well other days he acts like a child himself getting pissed off over little shit, I think it could be all the stress from his dad, work etc etc, dunno. I seriously don't know if he is stressed at work or if he can handle his new job, I have no clue what's going on cause he never talks to me about it, everytime I ask how things are going I get the thumbs up but somedays I wonder....

Well today is free food day @ applebees for vets, wonder if we are going to go or not, suppose to have a double date with our new friends Joni (who did my hair for Forrest & Mandy's wedding) and her hubby Lamot (that works with hubby). They are really fun people to be around, we go over and play rock band, watch football and just chat up and storm and hear funny shit that goes on at there work. Which is people I like to be around.

Bruce is quitting drinking, Eric is quitting drinking alot of people I know are quitting smoking/drinking which is great. People hubby and I enjoy being around =]

So just have to see how the rest of today goes, hope hubby gets back soon, I am getting worried.

Saturday, October 31, 2009



The wedding was awesome & so beautiful =D

Friday, October 30, 2009


big day of mandy's & forrests wedding tomorrow ♥

Samhain Lore (October 31st)

Samhain, (pronounced SOW-in, SAH-vin, or SAM-hayne) means "End of Summer", and is the third and final Harvest. The dark winter half of the year commences on this Sabbat.

It is generally celebrated on October 31st, but some traditions prefer November 1st. It is one of the two "spirit-nights" each year, the other being Beltane. It is a magical interval when the mundane laws of time and space are temporarily suspended, and the Thin Veil between the worlds is lifted. Communicating with ancestors and departed loved ones is easy at this time, for they journey through this world on their way to the Summerlands. It is a time to study the Dark Mysteries and honor the Dark Mother and the Dark Father, symbolized by the Crone and her aged Consort.

Originally the "Feast of the Dead" was celebrated in Celtic countries by leaving food offerings on altars and doorsteps for the "wandering dead". Today a lot of practitioners still carry out that tradition. Single candles were lit and left in a window to help guide the spirits of ancestors and loved ones home. Extra chairs were set to the table and around the hearth for the unseen guest. Apples were buried along roadsides and paths for spirits who were lost or had no descendants to provide for them. Turnips were hollowed out and carved to look like protective spirits, for this was a night of magic and chaos. The Wee Folke became very active, pulling pranks on unsuspecting humans. Traveling after dark was was not advised. People dressed in white (like ghosts), wore disguises made of straw, or dressed as the opposite gender in order to fool the Nature spirits.

This was the time that the cattle and other livestock were slaughtered for eating in the ensuing winter months. Any crops still in the field on Samhain were considered taboo, and left as offerings to the Nature spirits. Bonfires were built, (originally called bone-fires, for after feasting, the bones were thrown in the fire as offerings for healthy and plentiful livestock in the New Year) and stones were marked with peoples names. Then they were thrown into the fire, to be retrieved in the morning. The condition of the retrieved stone foretold of that person's fortune in the coming year. Hearth fires were also lit from the village bonfire to ensure unity, and the ashes were spread over the harvested fields to protect and bless the land.

Various other names for this Greater Sabbat are Third Harvest, Samana, Day of the Dead, Old Hallowmas (Scottish/Celtic), Vigil of Saman, Shadowfest (Strega), and Samhuinn. Also known as All Hallow's Eve, (that day actually falls on November 7th), and Martinmas (that is celebrated November 11th), Samhain is now generally considered the Witch's New Year.

Symbolism of Samhain:
Third Harvest, the Dark Mysteries, Rebirth through Death.

Symbols of Samhain:
Gourds, Apples, Black Cats, Jack-O-Lanterns, Besoms.

Herbs of Samhain:
Mugwort, Allspice, Broom, Catnip, Deadly Nightshade, Mandrake, Oak leaves, Sage and Straw.

Foods of Samhain:
Turnips, Apples, Gourds, Nuts, Mulled Wines, Beef, Pork, Poultry.

Incense of Samhain:
Heliotrope, Mint, Nutmeg.

Colors of Samhain:
Black, Orange, White, Silver, Gold.

Stones of Samhain:
All Black Stones, preferably jet or obsidian.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Madball - "Heavenhell"/City of Heroes

City of Heroes update at Hero Con all I have to say is: OMG I SO WANT!!
I will probably keep both accounts running after this!
Lucky it doesn't come out til probably next fall :)

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Giving Up On Weight Loss & My PC Is FUCKED!

Fucking people going to sites and shit on my pc again that they are not suppose to cause they fuck up my computer, my pc is screwed I gotta do more scans yet again.

Another thing I am ready to give up on losing weight I been at another plateau for a month and it's driving me crazy I want these last 50-55 lbs gone and it doesn't help when people don't keep there promises so all I got to say is FUCK IT ALL!

~ Noire

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Fun Fun & Moar Fun!

It's been months of fun since hubby started his new job, every weekend we get when he's off work we play our D20 games with awesome friends like Kevin, Jason, Bruce and when Vince & Kim can make it and Mike one of hubbys old Army buddies when he is on leave. It's just been tons of fun.

This month is full of gaming but also hanging out with new friends (in between renovation work of course lol), the guys from hubbys work. We get together once in awhile and watch football, play guitar hero and rarely follows with some beer.... Not enough to get hammer'd but just enough to get a small buzz (3-4 beers) which is good for hubby & I. We are not heavy drinkers like we used to be cause well it causes problems.

I like having new friends and old friends and some friends we just like to keep out of our picture cause well they caused huge problems and they are not there anymore permanently, so yeah that's where they will stay for good cause we can't stand them.

This weekend is a Grad party for our one friend she's graduating hair dressing school, gratz girl! We are going to head over for a couple hours to say, "Hi" and have some good food & good company. But we are going to have to leave early cause hubby works a double the following day, which is understandable.

The 31st our best friends Forrest and Mandy are getting married so when hubby gets done work that day, off to PARTY some more.

Well housework and workouts done now to play AION! Til hubby gets home then it's biggest loser night AND movie night over dinner. <3

Monday, October 19, 2009

Updates !!

Well it's now October 19th, dang where is time going!

We have been so busy with renovation work & getting things ready for the house to go on the market come spring time has just been flying by! Hubby and his dad laid the concrete yesterday in the basement, the gravel truck should be coming this Saturday to even out the backyard driveway. That way all thats left come spring is the upper driveway & another coat on the deck.

The last of inside that will be done this fall/winter is the Kitchen and Basement, and last touches on the master bedroom so I can move our room back in there, which I can't wait the spare room we are in now is SO TINY I am starting to feel claustrophobic, Hubby and I have alot of work still ahead of us, lucky he gets 3 days off a week but we are ALWAYS busy those 3 days, either D20 fun with friends (if he's off on a weekend) or renovation work or just having us time & enjoying it very much!

But we need to get back to packing shit up, already one side of the basement has some stuff we packed, basement is actually looking like one now instead of a storage bin of old room-mate shit from ages ago. I just can't wait til we are done & we get a new house, which looks clearer and clearer everyday, I hope I can find one like I did when I was looking around to see what was out there, I found a 4bed 2bath for 45,000. It was built in 2003. Very nice too. To bad we where not looking when I found it lol. I am sure something will come up : )

I also bought hubby a early Christmas gift, the WHOLE I mean WHOLE Farscape series on DVD. I found it at a local store for a pretty penny lol. But it was worth it, he is so happy. : )

I have more doc app's coming up, OBGYN see what she says about getting prego soon probably gotta get the rest of this weight off which I am trying but been very frustrating as of late.

Forrest & Mandy are getting married on Halloween, got most of our Christmas shopping done, man again time is just flying by!

Well workout and housework is done time to play Aion til hubby gets home & then it will be movie/dinner time.

Harvest Revel - Halloween Event! AION!

During the fall harvest, from time immemorial, the people of Atreia have celebrated the bounty of the land. Years ago, the joy of the annual revels was troubled by an eclipse - a peculiar and magical eclipse that brought darkness to Asmodae and Elysea. Ever since, for days during Harvest Revel, the sky goes dark and the peoples of Atreia join the hunt.

Asmodians find soothing peace during the dark days of the Harvest Revel. They celebrate by racing after the Wild Kurthanir hunt leader during the Wild Hunt and cooking special traditional dishes.

Elyos endure the dark days because during them the dead of Elysea are restless. Undead creatures rise from the grave every few hours, pulled back into a semblance of life by the power of the eclipse. Elyos must join roving Dark Night bands to hunt and destroy the undead before they invade Elyos villages.

Log in each day during Harvest Revel. Celebrate with us and every day rewards your investment with new Aion lore and tasty treats!

Harvest Revel
Begin: October 25, 2009
End: October 31, 2009

May your wings be strong and swift! We'll see you in Atreia!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

What Does Today Have In Store

Well it's now Saturday, feeling a lot better today minus the cats walking all over everything I am trying to accomplish lol. Let's see what did I get done today....

~ Helped hubby polish his boots for work
~ Dishes
~ Cleaned down the cupboards
~ Cleaned down & out the microwave
~ Cleaned out the Fridge & Freezer
~ Cleaned down the counter tops
~ Swept & Mopped all floors
~ Cleaned the carpet in the bedroom
~ Made the bed
~ Cleaned the living room
~ Cleaned the bathroom
~ Laundry

Quite a few things really =)

I just got done eating a apple & a spoon of peanut butter, now I have my kitty on my lap, purring his ass off lol. We where to have a moving yard sale today but its TO COLD!

So now that things are all gravy, taking a day off from working out, I am going to kick back & play Aion til hubby gets home, speaking of he should be calling anytime from work on his lunch break to say HI & us tell one another how much we miss & love each other ^_^

I can't complain : )

Friday, October 09, 2009

The bitch has returned

I said if people can't keep there promises to me, the bitch will be back

Well guess what....

The bitch has returned

Some days I dunno if I even wanna have kids or lose the weight anymore, it's a dream of mine ya but I just dunno anymore. Today I just feel worthless & not good enough, I assume they are two different things heh. But I don't feel like me today, I started thinking about my Grandparents today & how much I miss them, how much I want to call them and say HI but I know I wont hear there voices again now that they are both gone =o(

My day started out ... It was okay

Then shit hit the fan.....

~ Facebook wont load/work (thxfully I know it's not my end)
~ Cat puked on the CLEAN SHEETS I just washed yesterday
~ Browsed though my history folder, shows I can't trust anyone on my fucking computer
~ Now not in any mood to do housework/workout
~ My self esteem went down a few 1000s of notches
~ Remind myself no more video buying FOR AGES
~ Hubby gets no Allowance til the new year

Among one thing after another, I do hope hubby is having a better day then I am.... I also logged into City of Heroes yesterday cause of the free weekend/double xp thing.... yeah bored with it still.... no teams where going on, quiet and of course the usual sillyness, I think people that break promises are bringing out the bitch in me for good.

Tonight is my soon to be sis in laws bridal party, I am not going either.

Thursday, October 08, 2009

45lbs Gone!!

Well hubby just got done 2 days off & we had a BLAST!
Watching movies, getting things cleaned up & renovation wise stuff, errands, lunch together, etc etc TONS OF FUN!

As of today 45lbs GONE!

I probably could of done more but I know I slipped up quite a bit with Grandma passing and me being very upset I couldn't make the funeral I know she would understand but still I ate junk food galore for a couple days and didn't watch my carb/cal count. I am still upset and sad shes gone but I need to get on track, we wanna start a family & have a big family so well you know!

I started seeing a new doctor too, he has me eating whatever just whole grain no giving up bread, pasta and rice and potatoes like that other doctor, but I have to keep it in moderation of course. I had fries the other day (small) from a diner we go to, with a turkey Ruben let me tell you YUMMMMMMMY! I forgot how good it tasted! Had Chinese while back to watched my counts of course, but had some Lo Mein YUM! lol. Feels great to eat this stuff again and lose the weight too! I hope this keeps up! *knock on wood* And things will go alright with my test results cause I hope by the new year or next spring we get the go ahead on starting a family, it would be great... selling this house for a bigger one, get the okay to start a family, be absolutely awesome! Here is to hoping!

Well as of today 55lbs to my goal of 150lbs but according to the weight/height chart it's saying my max ideal weight is 130-145.... I will just have to see what my doc and my OBGYN says. I did 15 miles on my bike in 45 mins the other day, have to see what I can do today.

I wanna get back in shape and fit like I was 10 years ago... I used to be skinny Minnnie but I had some muscle curves cause I hit the gym ALOT but I don't wanna go back to being that thin but muscle wise is good but that was to thin waist wise ... After I quit smoking (9 years ago) I gained 110lbs... junk food and fast food was my friend for cravings I gained that weight in about 6 - 12 months, having a ex-boyfriend who was lazy as fuck didn't help matters as well as friends that where on the big side too. Now time to get on track not just for me but hubby and our future kids so we can all have a long life together ^_^

Also having the support & encouragement from all you friends has been a awesome help too, thank you!! I love you guys! <3

Friday, October 02, 2009

Double XP Weekend and Account Reactivation !

Yeah... Ill prolly just log on to make toons and play with my power colors, still having to much fun with Aion =P ....... Well depends if we are having the yard sale next weekend too D=

We're celebrating the recent launch of Issue 16: Power Spectrum in style by offering all our players a Double XP weekend! But that's not all, all inactive accounts in good standing will also be given access to City of Heroes and City of Villains® during the Double XP weekend!

Here are the dates and times:

* Starts: Thursday, October 8, 2009 at 8:59 a.m. Pacific Time (11:59 a.m. Eastern Time)
* Ends: Sunday, October 11, 2009 at 11:59 p.m. Pacific Time (2:59 a.m. Eastern Time)

All participating Hero and Villain characters will receive double the XP, Influence, and Infamy for their accomplishments in game. Just log in to start playing and take advantage of this opportunity to level up your favorite Heroes and Villains twice as quickly as normal!

If you or any of your friends haven't played in a while, visit City of Heroes for all the latest game news and to learn more about Issue 16: Power Spectrum. Download the PC game client or the Mac game client, or visit our official message forums for a wealth of information.

Please note: if your account expires after the reactivation weekend has started, it will not get automatically reactivated. To participate in the Double XP Weekend, you will need to reactivate your account via the usual method. Please check our Knowledge Base for more information on how to reactivate your game account.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I Want One!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Monday, September 21, 2009

Canadian Girlz Rule!

I know cause I am one <3

Thursday, September 17, 2009


No other words describe how I feel right now, these feelings been eating me alive for almost a month now, I miss Grandpa & Grandma so much it hurts. I wish I could pick up the phone & call just to say, "Hi" knowing deep down hearing there voice would make me happy but all I can hear at the other end is dial tone knowing I will never hear there voices again only though the memories that flood my head daily. The blanket that sits on the back of my chair still smells like there home, knowing in time that smell will fade I wish it wouldn't.

As I sit here sleepless as my tears blind my sight, listening to my husband snore getting rest for the both of us I wonder to myself if he is truly happy, he says he is but some days I wonder, I don't dought my own husband I just know deep down he is like me, wanting the family we both dream of, but as of this moment it isn't possible due to my health condition and some days I feel as if I have failed him, I know in time I will get better and lose the weight I need to, bring my insulin down and be on track. But when is the question I ask myself, sure I have lost almost 42lbs in almost 6 months (as of the 21st) but to me that isn't enough, I push hard everyday to hard some days to the point where I know it hurts my body physically. It's hard knowing we been married almost 5 years and no children have entered our lives as of yet. I know Grandma always told me your time will come just wait, but the thing is I am almost 28 he is almost 34, I just wonder if we will start to feel to old before our chance comes, and I don't want that reason I push more everyday. I see friends, family around me getting pregnant for the first time, second, sometimes 3rd or 4Th, I get so jealous and frustrated, feeling left out, as I've failed, failed the one I love with all my heart, I do know I have the best husband in the world & he is everything to me.

But It hurts, when will these pains go away.....

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Thoughts, Feelings & Updates...

Wow, been awhile since I updated, guess I should do this more often. But kind of hard when life is so busy. Hubby started a new job back in May more pay + 100% medical for him and I and whatever kids we have when the time comes, which is great!

March 2009 I got diagnosed with high insulin, not high enough to be diabetic but high enough that my body was having a period 24/7 & telling me to get things on track with diet and exercise. I started out at 51 inch waist & 250lbs, yeah ouch, I didn't realize. I quit smoking over 9 years ago, I still couldn't believe I was so big, having a ex-boyfriend who was over weight before I met hubby didn't help I know that much and the fact cause he ate out pretty much all the time. When hubby and I met back in late winter 2005 I didn't think I was that big cause I was starting to exercise after my ex went to work, I weighed about 205lbs or so. So I thought anyways, I know I gained weight since cause I got comfortable, to comfortable that happens with everyone. Well here I am almost 6 months after being diagnosed and 42lbs lighter and 14 inches gone. Only thing is til things get under control and I lose (to my goal) 58 more lbs then hopefully I can get the OK to start trying for a family, which I want the OK come my birthday or Christmas only thing I want this year really.

Which brings me to my next bit of updates, August 2009 Grandma broke her hip they put the pins in and gave her meds to help the pain. I thought things where going to be OK. Turns out she wouldn't eat, tossed her hearing aid to the floor, same with her glasses and said, " I just want to be with Grandpa." As soon as I heard this from my Aunt it broke my heart into a million pieces. I love my Grandmother she is more like a mother as my Grandfather is more like a father to me. They are everything to me. Days went by where I was paying the bills hoping to squeeze money from somewhere. Ever since hubby started his new job money had been a little tight not a bunch just to the point we where not getting much back into savings cause our savings we did have went to his new gear, which was fine. Bills where getting paid so that was fine. But deep down I knew Grandma would understand why I wasn't there. My father in law offered to pay part of a bus ticket but I just couldn't he was/is going though some stuff of his own. Few more days passed then our phone started to get weird lines crossing, static, annoying. Some reason I knew in my heart something was about to happen, sure enough my Uncle Gary called to say Grandma had passed away. I could barley hear him because of the static but I knew what he had said. My heart broke, shattered into a million pieces, I am slowly still picking up the pieces to this day. It's been very hard. But I know she is where she wanted to be, with Grandpa.

Other then that things are still on the go with renovation work, doing pretty good, father in law and I got the outside trim painted, hubby and I got the basement half way cleaned up, got some stuff tossed out to big item pickup, living room finished, spare room finished, master bedroom is close just need some paint on the ceiling, new ceiling fan, new closet doors and we can move our stuff back in there. Kitchen and driveway and basement are the last of things with a bit of odds and ends, we should be ready to go come spring and put the house up so we can buy a bigger one, this one is to small for a family.

Other then that I started beta testing/playing a new online game, "Aion" It's a fantasy MMO. I tried getting back into City of Heroes but I just can't after 5.5 years I have gotten very burned out, new updates look cool but I am ready for a change.

I am very tired these past few weeks, I think I am coming down with a cold or something, but at the same time I feel very unattractive and just want to be left alone. It might have to do with the weight loss I don't know. I just can't wait for Aion to start so I can get some of this stress off my shoulders and kill things in a online game to release stress and anger. Doesn't help when people poke at me to do things I already know and have on my list of things to do, reason I snap sometimes, very frustrating. I just can't wait til we move and this headache is over with all this renovation crap. I just want to say ENOUGH!

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Aion Theatre - Acts 1 though 5

Act 1

Act 2

Act 3

Act 4

Act 5

(sorry the sound is messed on this one)

Thursday, August 27, 2009


OPEN BETA - SEPT 6th - 13th ... PRESELECTION - 18th ... 2 DAY HEADSTART - 20th ... HELLZ YA! ~ This waiting is killing meh though!!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Canadian scientist aims to turn chickens into dinosaurs

Can you say DUMBASS if he succeeds.... We could lose all of humanity ...... STUPID ASS

Monday, August 17, 2009

Beta 6 Over *cry*

It was amazing fun, so sad it's over, Can't wait for Open beta, shit I can't wait til the game comes out!! Well on another plus note our buddy Bruce is gonna sell me his old Hard Drive (300gb) so.... I will play both City of Heroes & Aion that way I don't get burned, only thing though only one CoH account and one Aion account not 2 and 2, hehe. :)

Plus note again last I checked down 38lbs and almost 13inches, but I need to re-weigh and re-measure, well time to go make up some dinner for hubby, he just got home from work. <3

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Can I say, "YAY!"

I personally can't wait I been having serious withdrawals!!
I got a buncha stuff I need to do tomorrow I been working on some today too, I been so busy! After this beta I will waiting for open beta, I hear we can make our toons ahead of time before the head start if we pre-ordered which I am looking forward to cause I am taking my name on EVERY server and no one better take it or I will be pissed!
*jumps up and down*
hehehe I can't wait !!!!!!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Dear Grandma

Dear Grandma,

I wish I could be there, to say my good-bye's, words can't describe how I feel right now, tears and sadness that fills my heart, but at the same time the warm memories and happiness. But I know deep in my heart you understand and I understand you are where you wanted to be, with Grandpa.

Growing up the first six years of my life I will never forget, they where the best first six years of my life, you and Grandpa had taught me so many things how to share, how to love, grow and be happy and so much more. After I had left your home I knew I wasn't happy anymore I wanted to go back and be with you. But I knew in my heart things happened for a reason and God had a plan for me, you and Grandpa had taught me that.

Over the years that had passed even when we couldn't be together I knew you and Grandpa where always there for me, a phone call away, picking up a pen and paper and writing one another, or a car ride away. You both had always had been there for me no matter what, whenever I needed you and you needed me we knew how to find one another.

To this day, to me you are my parents the Mother and Father I have always dreamed about and wanted in life, reason I am proud to call you Mom and Dad as you both where always proud to call me your daughter, "The only daughter you had after five boys" you would tell me and everyone around us. But now I know you both are watching over our family, and me making sure I stay a good girl, as you would always say to me "Be a good girl Tina, stay out of trouble", I hope I can continue to make you both proud and stay out of trouble, be that good girl, and you know, I plan on it.

Just know Joel and I love and miss you both very much. You have both touched our hearts and will remain in our hearts, forever. Til the day we are all together again. We love you Mom and Dad. Thanks for everything you have taught me and always being there for me, I wouldn't be who I am today without your love and guidance.

Tina & Joel

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Rest In Peace Grandma - May 2nd 1916 - Aug 5th 2009

Words Can't describe how I feel right now only the tears that roll down my cheeks. Just after 2pm today I got the call, Grandma passed away =(

I am broken and shattered into a million pieces right now I feel part of me is empty as for the other feelings I just can't feel right now. Id call friends and family right now but the phone is broke.

I want to go out tonight and have a quiet dinner with hubby....

After Grandma broke her hip they put pins in but she wouldn't eat, they tired a feeding tube but all they got was blood, Grandma didn't want her hearing aid or glasses all she kept saying is she wanted to be with grandpa. Grandpa Passed away December 27Th 2007 @ the age of 93, Today August 5Th 2009 Grandma passed @ the age of 93.

It's been hard, I love and miss them both ... I am proud to call them Mom & Dad.

Til we all meet again

Friday, July 31, 2009

Thursday, July 30, 2009

MMO's I Have Played Since 1998

Started back in 1998/99 with Diablo and Diablo II - year or so
CoH/V - my last MMO - Beta til Now
Champions Online
Dungeons & Dragons Online - played the trial honestly love rolling dice better!!
Dungeon Runners - few days
Everquest II - 6-8 months
Guild Wars - 6 months
Neverwinter Nights - not very long
Perfect World games (played all 3) - every now and again
StarWars Galaxy's - few months
Second life.... yeah
World of Warcraft - couldn't stand it wasn't on it long

Now ---- AION!

Sunday, July 26, 2009


According to my doctors scale and such I have lost 11.5 inches total in my waist, 31lbs gone in 16.5 weeks, fat is down another 3.3 points in 2 months, muscle is up 1.6 in 2 months, BMI was in the 40s 4 months ago now its down to a 36.5, PROGRESS! More to come soon!

I hate how I let myself go the last 9 years after I quit smoking by using junk food to control cravings and got lazy to top things off, plus being with a ex boyfriend for almost 5 of those years the lazy SOB. Ah well I have what I want in life and as soon as I get more weight off it will be baby time!! Hubby & I can't wait!! ^_^

Sunday, July 19, 2009

A Little Something I Wrote....

Thursday I just couldn't sleep and I wrote this for hubby <3

It's now after 11pm, Thursday I think it's the 17Th of July (2009)

I just can't sleep toninght or spell for that fact & fuck it I am not going to scribble it out and fix it either. (typing just the way I wrote it lol)

I just have alot on my mind 90% of it has to do with my insulin and weight loss. I am hoping things are getting on track to be normal again

- My insulin levels
- My weight

All I really really want this year for my birthday and Christmas is those things and to have a baby with hubby, I understand we can always adopt but I want that glow and feeling of a life (or 2 or more) growing inside me, knowing we created someone, someone special, someone that is part of each of us someone that will be loved by both of us and our families.

But I seriously........

Well its the only 3 things I want this year for Christmas/Birthday

I am pushing hard to get to my goal some days its frustrating but I know I will get there.

I sit and listen now to the quiet

- The light snores of hubby
- the fans
- the cats walking along the floor

So peaceful & quiet

I know it will change when I get pregnant :P and when the kids will be born. But I will enjoy it now before that happens.

I know I need to sleep.
I need to get up in the morning and make my honey breakfast which I will.
His lunch is made and the coffee maker is set so that's a plus
I wonder if he will read this
His thoughts on it If he will say anything or maybe write something?
I dunno

I can tell my handwriting has got worse over the years because I am used to typing. Ah well :P

I just wanna give hubby the family hes been dreaming about and wanting I have those same dreams and wants too. It's just you know as a women wanting to make my man happy anyway possible.

Having healthy babies
Having a healthy family
Keeping him & I healthy to live a long life together til we grow old as ancient trees and forget how we met. (He wrote that to me in a old letter from when we first got married lol)

It's all we both want
I know that
Knew that when we talked online

Reasons of a few why I fell in love with him and he fell in love with me

He is my soul mate
my best friend
my lover
my husband
and so much more

(same with him but I am a wife lol)

I love him so much and always will

I think my guilt has finally gone away from a couple years ago when we where having some problems.

I was stupid back then
Very stupid

Hubby is snoring up a storm tonight Slayer came to sit with me lol

He is glaring off into the bedroom @ hubby.

Guess the snoring bugged him.

Maybe I should try and sleep now. I just felt like writing something tonight.

Hmm... think Ill type is tomorrow then some and now a drink of water then try and sleep...

33lbs down
67 to my goal

I love you JoelB

Your wife always

God's & Goddess' & Karma

One must think before they act, Karma can be a good or bad thing depending how you look at it.

The Gods and Goddess' keep a eye on such things.

If someone talks bad about someone & something & the gods & goddess don't agree, does something to hurt another person & the gods & goddess don't agree, if you do something wrong & the gods & goddess don't agree, the list goes on....

If they don't agree with your actions it will come back at you 3 times fold, Ive been here and done this many times to count, all you can do is learn from your actions and apologize and not do it again. If you continue to do bad bad things happen if you change and do good good things happen, it's the circle of life and Karma.

One also must make up for past mistakes by doing good, changing there ways.

Speaking of changing, I know I am not perfect, no one is and if everyone was perfect this would be a really boring world and life. (Yes posted part of this convo before but doing it again)

Hubby and I got into a conversation about a change recently:

Me: Hey babe, do you think I am trying to change you?

Him: Have you been taking those stupid online quizzes again?

Me: no no, seriously I read a comment on a blog that I am trying to change you and your letting me do it...

Him: Ya so if I didn't want to change I wouldn't of married you, I gotta change my ways of being single and I am going to change cause I want to and it is for the best, for us and our kids.

Me: Ya I know I just was really upset about it

Him: Don't be who cares? who gives a shit! Seriously!

Me: Okay

Him: I love you and nothing will change that even when we are old and grey

Me: I love you too and ya when we are teaching the grandkids how to play D&D right?

Him: Of course!

Me: *giggle* Dork :P

Him: Mrs Dork, you married me!

Me: I did and what are you gonna do about it

Him: nothing but maybe.... *tickle fight*

Me/Him: *repeated laughing & screaming*

......... So yeah change is always good :)

So if one is rude mean and ignorant and the list goes on....... things are bad...... CHANGE!

So if one is nice kind honest and the list goes on..... don't change!

If your a mix of both life will have its ups and downs and make life interesting

I know I am both as is hubby :)

The Gods and Goddess' are watching you and watching out for others expecally those you want to or try and hurt !

Wednesday, July 08, 2009


Well time for a update or 2 or 3 !
Maybe more!

Well as most know life has turned around here, things are working out great, we are getting the house ready to be sold by the new year, I hope it goes quick because we want to get our new bigger house.

Weight loss: Going awesome! 31 lbs lost now and 12 inches on my waist, hopefully by the time we get into our new house things will be on track and in order and we can start our family!

Hubby's days off if we are not working on house reno stuff we are gaming with our awesome friends or just hanging out just the 2 of us and relaxing over movies or whatever.

We are happy with the way things are, well I could use the more weight loss and insulin down but that is coming along I am sure.

Well I am gonna go back to cleaning up and watching my soaps.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

~ RIP King of Pop ~

You will be missed, I grew up listening to Micheal Jackson and really liked alot of his music, still do, even though sometimes I'd say he drove me crazy or wth was going on now, I truly thought and still think he is a amazing person for everything he has been though.
May you rest in peace Micheal Jackson
1958 - 2009

Monday, July 06, 2009

Aion Beta Test 3 ... done!


I really enjoyed it, I hope hubby decides to play.

My bro in law and I where running around playing, can't wait til his wife is able to join us, there is still 3 more beta's before the week head start for us pre-order people, I just had a freaken blast! Good news also some City of Heroes folks are headed to Aion too :)


Weight is down to 219 now, FINALLY! YAY! that means 69lbs to go!


Hubby also started his 10hr days today which is awesome <3

Time to finish moving stuff into the spare room

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Guardian Will Always Be Home

Looks like I still have access to the City of Heroes boards til next month (and the game but I had no room on my HD), which is good minus the HD thing lol. Guardian will always be home. Know I have not hung up my cape for good I will probably be back on free weekends or when I get my new hard drive have both games running, who knows! I wont be playing Aion ALOT til most of the reno stuff is done, which still got quite a bit to do. Which is fine cause it's still in beta! lol.

I am going to miss alot of folks from CoH that I don't have contact with outside of game, maybe they will get facebook or find my email and poke me there. I hope so cause I love all of em they been great friends over the last 5.5 years. I'll be in touch with a few via facebook and email, some over the telephone.

3rd round of Aion beta starts tonight til Monday, hubby got a OT shift tomorrow night so looks like Aion beta time for me! Ill miss hubby lots and I thank him for letting me get the game Early!! He is the best hubby ever not just for that but for everything who he is and just hes amazing! I love him very much, I know we will be playing games even when we are 90 and playing them with grand kids lol.

Still sticking to my workout/diet! Don't worry! Can't have grand kids without kids! eh? heheh... Seriously I am not stopping I love having this energy :)

Well the week from hell will be here any day now so I know im gonna have some lazy days... Better do some housework/workout now before I go any further in this day without it. :)

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

End of One Game, Start of Another....

Yup you heard me right, I quit City of Heroes today.
I know!

Aion has been temping me more and more

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Food Diary - June 30th 2009

So far today:

Before workout

Hotdogs 2 (left over, wanted something to munch on lol)
Watermelon (1inch slice)

Bob's challenge - 250 crunches
Bootcamp level 1
Mow'd the yard (front & back - 45mins - yes push mower)


Devil'd eggs (4 carbs from my special ingredents)


Green beans - LOTS! - 6 carbs
Moouse chocolate - 2 carbs

Tons of water and a diet pop (0 carbs)

I think I did pretty good today, ive stayed full :)
Might have a snack later if I get hungry, dunno what tho, maybe just water :p

Food Diary - June 29th 2009

Well I went 3 carbs over yesterday, oops
but had just a lil over 1100 cals, so not bad.

Before my workout I had some meat and watermelon, that set me for workout.

I did bob's biggest loser bootcamp level 1

then I had some beef jerky (.5 carbs)

for lunch I had some chicken and green beans (7 carbs)

snack I had some cottage cheese (4 carbs)

Dinner I had 3 hot dogs, no buns of course (12 carbs)
(Thats what made me go over lol)
Also had made some devil'd eggs but used real mayo (0 carbs hint of mustard 0 carbs) but those didnt count cause I can have unlimited eggs but I had 4 peices.

Overall I think I did good

Weight now = 220 !!! YEAH!

30lbs down 70lbs to go!!

Not bad for 13 weeks!
Thats like almost 10lbs a month... wonder if I can do the last 70 before my birthday

Just got done cutting the grass... 45mins, now to do bootcamp level 1...

Sunday, June 28, 2009

I Am A Universal Person!

You are a perfect balance of everything. You've gone through a fair share of things and you are able to put yourself in other peoples shoes. You are caring and understanding. You are fun and warm to be around. You tend to help people. You know what it is like to be at an all time low and you know how to deal with things. You consider all of your friends to be "good friends. You are kinda like the Goldie Locks of personalities. The things you do are practical, but sensitive to whom it would affect. You are at ease with yourself, and have spent a good deal of time finding yourself, and now that you have, you've finally bloomed into something beautiful.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Updates of Life & Food Diary

I have my food diary for today already cause If i eat anything else I thinks I am gonna blow up.....


2 celery stalks with peanut butter (3 carbs)


Chinese Buffet!

Chicken, meatballs (6), 2 pieces of broccoli, more chicken, pork, chicken & mushrooms, cheese, chicken & jalapenos prolly all in all I dunno how many carbs..... not many since it was a ton of meat!
Diet Pepsi with lemon

I don't think I am gonna eat anything for the rest of the day cept maybe more peanut butter & celery late later tonight if anything if not just fill up on more water cause i been drinking gallons of that ! :)

Checked the scale this morning when I woke up, down 29lbs total now, pretty good for just over 3 months of work :)

This means I have 71lbs left to the goal I wanna do.

Today hubby and I also had a convo....

Me: Do you think I am controlling & trying to change you?

Hubby: Have you been taking those online stupid quiz things again?

Me: No... just something I read on a "friends" blog....

Hubby: Ya but so what, your my wife your allowed to do that, if I didn't wanna change who I am or bad habits of being single I wouldn't of married you 4.5 years ago, but that's what marriage is about.

Me: true there is somethings you wanted/want to change about me too and we are working together to do it right and yours?

Hubby: Yuppers, so don't worry about it who cares what others think.

Me: Thanks, I love you

Hubby: I love you too :)

I thought for awhile I was getting controlling or whatever because of something I read... but I am a wife guess I am allowed :P

I mean I am not HUGE controlling just well sure hubby's quitting smoking but hes wanted to do that for years I am just there to give him that extra bump, his whole family is smoke free but his brother and he is trying to quit too, and quit drinking.

So brother and brother work together, how cute! LOL!

Other then that, time to go to some cleaning on the basement, Father in law is banging away in the spare room putting the finishing touches on that room, Hubby just woke up at is gonna help me :)

When he goes to work later I think I am gonna play some city of heroes for once, then when he gets home in the morning hes gonna nap, get up we will work more on the basement then just R&R and finish watching Hogfather or Jack of All Trades, then back to the weekly grind.

He figures one or 2 overtime shifts a month will help us, he starts his 10hr days week after next so 2 days of reno work/seeing new houses etc etc and one day of gaming with friends :)

We need to get moving if we wanna get stuff done by spring, I know his dad is pushing us to get moving so time to do it ;)

EDIT: Well also had some homemade chocolate moose tonight and a small handful of nuts, equals my day out to 20 carbs total prolly.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Food Diary - June 26th 2009

Before Workout:

Strawberry Mango/Vanilla Yogurt smoothie with 1 cup of soy milk stuffs...
Only got about 1/3 of this smoothie since the other 2/3's ended up in my lap *sniff* was really good too!!

Workout: Bootcamp Level 1 (Biggest loser, Bob Harper)

After Workout:

1/2 cup of Macadamia Nuts (2 carbs)


3 pieces of chicken cooked in Tabasco (1 carb)


Wasn't that hungry tonight really....

2 tablespoons of pasta sauce (mushroom, meat, onion, garlic ~ Homemade... maybe 1 carb...)

Chocolate Moose (2 carbs)


Celery & peanut butter (5 carbs)

Drinks: A ton of water over 10 glasses.

Weight as of today 222lbs, another lb gone!!
That's 28lbs gone in just over 3 months, can I make the last 72 before my birthday, stay tuned!!!

Food Diary - June 25th 2009

Before Workout

14oz of Muscle milk light (4 carbs)
Celery & peanut butter (5 carbs)


Biggest Loser - Bootcamp Level 1

After Workout

Cauliflower & cheese (3 carbs)


Celery & peanut butter (5 carbs)
Ceaser salad (3 carbs)


3 hot dogs (12 carbs)
Mustard (0 carbs)
Pepsi Lime (0 carbs)


1/4 cup of Macadamia nuts (1 carb)

Total - 24

Ya I know 4 over....
I found when I drank the muscle milk I was full, really full, was good too.
But I think I am going to keep the last 2 bottles I have for the weekend, I picked em up for 70 cents each to give em a try.
My body has been getting more firm too :)

I feel great and hubby says I look great and ive always been beautiful he says but I look even more so now with my glow, yay!!

Weight - 223lbs

Down 27lbs as of June 25th!!
Be back to my skinny fit self in no time!!
72lbs to go to my goal!

Ranting.... ---> the post....

This is a "friends" blog, seems she posted it in the week after the weekend we invited them over for a BBQ. We invited them last minute, at first where just gonna have our usual gamer friends but after we found out that our friend died, we started inviting EVERYONE even our neighbours. Seems she still has beef with me or pretty jealous, who knows, comes off as both to me, and others.

Friends I think we are?

Let's start here... I dunno what kinda friends we are for one, never knew. Maybe in the beginning we where good friends or just friends period. Be honest I can't trust her, she's just got that feel to her, one min being one thing, next min someone else. Kinda feel I had with my last best friend who are not friends with me anymore kinda feel because she pretended to be alot of things, goth, punk, grunge, morbid, the list goes on...

She also seems so buddy buddy when we are around one another, hubby becomes happy cause we are getting along after all our differences Mamabear and I... yeah right I believe em to cause well who knows right? So who the hell knows where her mind set is... I thought we where becoming friends at least the kind to get along and chat now and again about anything.

Hubby and I had issues sure what marriage doesn't... we got over em. Now we can't get enough of one another ;)

Change her friend is the next thing...


I am not trying to change him, he is changing himself.
I mentioned the smoking cause I was planning ahead thinking of our kids and his health, I mean his dad just lost a gf a few years ago to cancer, I don't think we wanna go though the same thing. We made a list of reasons to quit he said he wants to grow old with me and have LOTS of kids and be there for every part of there life and ours, we both see ourselves at 90 years old watching movies on dvd while the kids and grandkids have some new funky tech. :)

He doesn't want to drink anymore, he See's what it's been doing to his brother, and his brother's gf and there relationship, as well as he knows I hate drinking because my dad was a alcoholic.


He wants to get his family started, cut out all the bad things in life and move on. He things saved up and in order, get life on track, his dream = FAMILY WITH ME!

8 times over the last 4 years....

Life changes, things change, people don't' come around as often, its a proven fact, people need to move on and get over it too, we will see you when we see you kinda thing, happens all the time, we invite people we don't see often to comicbook conventions or gaming conventions or over to visit, not our fault they don't wanna come.

Reason hubby and I go everywhere together is I don't get out much as it is, I am home all day, hubby wants to take me places even if its down to the corner store, just so we can go out and do things and have fun. We don't' like going anywhere without one another and ya we are married. Hubby always tells me his fav part of the day is coming home and hanging out with me or D20 gaming with me and our friends. He couldn't ask for more :)

Everyone we know (cept a few) tell hubby how lucky he is to have me in his life and he agrees and there is ALOT of people who are jealous and they need to back off!

This curtain will not fall so people need to get that thought outta there head. When we got married 4.5 years ago we made sure this is the one and this is it, together forever and that is our plan, we love one another to much not to expecally after everything we been though its just made us stronger. :)

Well time to get my workout on, down to 222lbs finally 28lbs GONE BABY! Not bad for 3 months of work! 72lbs left! Hopefully!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Atkins & Food Diary Updates!

Well I joined the Atkins site, learning alot of new stuff.
Pretty neat accually.

Food Diary
June 24th 2009

No workout today

Breakfast: 2 cups of coffee with heavy cream (0 carbs)
1 oz of Beef Jerky (1 carb)

Lunch: Chicken Breast Cooked in Tabassco & Chicken Broth (1 carb)
Cauliflower & Cheese (3 carbs)

Snack: 3 stalks of celery & peanut butter ( 5 carbs)

Dinner: Ceaser Salad with 0 carb dressing (3 carbs)
Leftover chicken from lunch (1 carb)

Snack: Sprite Zero (0 carbs)
Edy's Popcycle Strawberry (6 carbs)

Total carbs for the day: 20
Weight 225

I Am Not Stupid, Seriously! ... Part 2

Well since yesterday the Mr and I had a talk
He knows he was wrong, I went to the car and looked under the seat and yup a whole pack, I have them hiding now. He knows I got them, he knows it was wrong.
I hate fighting over little things like this, I mean when you are paying for smoke free stuff the deal is.... stay that way!
I understand it can be hard, been there done it myself, but this is a promise and choice one has made for him and myself and looking at the future also for our kids.
So that is the same with me, losing my quitting smoking weight, so let's keep on it together eh? That's the plan and let's stick to it, when we get moved into our new house next year hopefully it will be time to start a family, that's the plan. :)

I mean when you love someone more then enough you bend over backwards for one another, I mean I didn't expect him to change because I wanted him too, it's just I was thinking about his health, our kids health when that day comes, second hand smoke is more of a killer when it comes to smoking, expecally to babies, I was thinking of my health too but I was concerned about his and future kids. One habit of mine, always planning ahead.

His dad lost his girlfriend 2 or 3 years ago now to smoking, it was really sad. I watched her on some weekends while he was out. It made me miss hubby more and realize we needed to do something too. I want to grow old with him and I want us to be around for our kids weddings and grand kids being born and the whole thing, he is wanting to change because of those things most of all. We made a list of why he wants to quit and those where on it.

So for those of you who say otherwise, you don't know people as you think you do. We love one another very much, he says I am the best thing that's ever happened to him I feel the same, we have so much to live for and be together for, our hopes and dreams are coming together slow but sure. Before we got married 4.5 years ago, we made a promise no matter what this is where we are staying side by side always and forever so this curtain will NEVER fall. We mean to much to one another.

We go alot of places together since I am home 100% of the time when hubby goes places he takes me with him even if it is to the store, why? Cause I don't get out much and I don't have many friends around here. His friends are my friends and my friends are his. The friends he doesn't go see with me are Amy and Ms Gloria from when I worked at Bath & Body Works but getting together with them is once in a very long time, expecally now since Ms Gloria is back under kemo.

Once hubby goes to 4 days a week we will be spending alot of time on the house so his Dad can stop worrying about our time line and know we are getting things done, we will spend 2 days doing that and the other day gaming with friends. Other friends wonder why we don't come see them as much, it's because of the schedule difference, or because I know some people don't like me and you know what some people don't like hubby and I being together but guess what... TO BAD! That's the reason why those friends are not friends anymore to either of us.

Hubby has a few friends he has been friends with since he was 10 or so, so that's along time, they are like brothers to him and I think a friendship that long deserves a metal :)

Well on this note, workout is done, have some dishes to do, laundry to put away, think I am just gonna relax til hubby comes home, and we go buy him some more smoke free gum :)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I Am Not Stupid, Seriously!

Other day the Mr and I got into a argument due to him smoking again, he was doing great on the quitting thing, 6-8 months smoke free then our friend died, I could understand him starting up again reason I didn't say anything. But he came to me and said after the pack he had that was it. I said fine I didn't wanna fight about it cause I understood who what where when and why... you know?

Well me always screaming from the rooftops how proud I am of him for quitting, helping people in City of Heroes, facebook and other sites and giving them tips and telling them still how proud I am. I feel like I was blowing smoke out my ass now. I caught hubby yet again this past Sunday night, he clams it was only ONE, still our promise was I lose the weight I need to get prego he quits, simple right?

I been smoke free for 9 years, I know how the quitting thing goes. At the time I quit I was with someone who couldn't stand smoke and it made him sick, gave me WILLPOWER and all that stuffs. You think when someone or something means alot to you ... you get that WILLPOWER. Right?

Well after our little spite he tossed the rest of the pack in the trash but this is where the I am not stupid comes in... he took them OUT of the pack and put em in there so they had coffee grinds and other trash all over them, did I count em? Heck ya and I know a pack is 20, I counted 13 + the 2 he said he smoked is 15, the other 5? I know he is hiding em in the car under his seat, caught him this morning getting in the car and looking under the seat. He didn't know it but ya I was watching though the window, my mother/wife tingle went off. He tried to play it off but I am seriously not stupid, he is in for it when he gets home, he knows better.

I catch him again though all bets are off, I will flush my weight loss stuff down the toilet. I am so mad right now I don't care if we have kids or not. As much as I want kids it hurts like hell when people can't keep there promises.

Can I have the knife outta my chest nao?
k thx bi

Drop 10 lbs Without Even Trying!

Monday: Skip the Grande Vanilla Latte.
There's more than just a sugary jolt of caffeine to beat the Monday blues. Substitute with a brewed black coffee (without the sugar!) and save 250 calories (1,750 per week).

Tuesday: Spritz your salad.
Salads can be false friends: they seem healthy but become a caloric nightmare when loaded with dressing. Invest in an oil spritzer or try Hellman's salad spritzers and save 100 calories (700 per week).

Wednesday: Say no to mayo.
A sandwich is the easiest lunch to whip together, but gets weighed down with the fatty white spread. Replace with mustard – all the zip with zero fat. Save 100 calories (700 per week).

Thursday: Ditch the fat.
Stir-fry veggies with broth instead of oil (or even better, steam them) and save 115 calories (805 per week).

Friday: Add sparkle to your happy hour.
Don't let diets cramp your social style. Have a vodka soda with a splash of cranberry juice in lieu of your cosmo and save 90 calories (for two drinks).

Saturday: Walk your errands.
Slip walking into your busy schedule by breaking it down into 20-minute chunks. Walk to the market, take a stroll with your best gal pal or walk the dog. Burn 180 calories per hour (1,260 per week).

Sunday: Have a leaner brunch.
Try poached eggs instead of fried or scrambled and save 50 calories. Cut out another 60 cals by swapping your regular bacon with turkey bacon.

100 calories saved per day = lose about 1 pound a month
200 calories saved per day = lose about 2 pounds
500 calories saved per day = lose about 4 pounds

Control Your Portions.
Take one serving, and not a gigantic one! You can save serious calories by controlling your urge to go back for seconds or thirds.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Food Diary - June 20th & 21st

June 20th

A Bit late on updating but the weekend was really busy for us.
Saturday we woke up and jumped into the car and hit the grocery store.
On the way I munched on beef jerky (1 carb, 80 cals)
When we got home put the groceries up and made a strawberry smoothie with vanilla yogert and 1 cup of diet cranberry juice (29 carbs total, dunno on cals)
Hubby drank half and I drank the other half so prolly 14.5 carbs total)
We then went to our friends place and went to free RPG day, walk walk walk walk some more..... lots of walking. lol.

Lunch ~ We went to CiCi's $4.99 all you can eat pizza/salad buffet

I usually just do the salad and ask for a crust less pizza, not this time! I went all out, Salad bar was crappy looking so I went and ate pizza (with crust) ya I know bad me....

When we got back to our friends for RPG gaming and a round of KILLER BUNNIES we had pop (I stuck with my diet like a good girl) and chips, had a bowl full roughly, BAD I KNOW!

I am paying for it now, gotta work extra hard to get off any weight gain now lol, I don't even wanna look at the scale, seriously!

June 21st

Back on track....
Sausage and Eggs for breakfast (2 carbs)(cals not sure)
Lunch Ceaser Salad (3 carbs) (cals dunno)
Dinner Beef Soup (6-8 carbs) (cals dunno)
1 spite zero (0 cals and carbs)

That's it!

Friday, June 19, 2009

Food Diary: June 19th 2009

Well last night I stayed up past my bedtime to wash up hubbys uniforms for work since I forgot (BAD ME) and I played some coh and chatted with a friend on facebook and got some pointers from her :)

Here is my food diary for today, I noticed that reason why my weight been slow going getting off is because im pretty much starving myself when it comes to food, my doc said 20 carbs a day but with that im only getting maybe 300-500 cals total a day when i add it all up... SOMETIMES LESS! but I am getting my 20 carbs or less thats after my workout factors and before I am only eating maybe 100 to 200 max of cals... nuts eh?

Well here is the food diary for today :)

Before workout:

1/2 oz beef jerky (.5 carbs) (40 cals)
2 glasses of water
2 peices of wheat bread (26 carbs) (150 cals)
2 tablespoons of peanut butter (6 carbs) (200 cals)

Workout - Biggest Loser Cardio Max Level 1

Lunch (after workout)

Beef Stir Fry (slow roasted the beef from 6am til noon)
(8 carbs total) (65 cals from the veggies)
Not sure on the meat......
3 glasses of water....


Ceaser Salad (3 carbs) (235 cals)
broken down:
Lettace = 20 cals (3 carbs)
Dressing = 160 cals (0 carbs)
Parm cheese fresh = 55 cals (carbs don't count im allowed unlimited cheese)


Ice cream with chocolate chips and sugar free strawberry peserves (full serving tonight, bad I know) .....

30 carbs (210 cals)

Broken down:

Ice cream (16 carbs) (130 cals)
Strawberry peserves (sugar free) = (5 carbs) (10 cals)
Chocolate chips = (9 carbs) (70 cals)

2 more glasses of water
1 can of Fresca (0 carbs) (0 cals)

Carb total before workout 32.5 (since I burned it off, dont' count)

Carb total after workout 41 (ya 21 over cause of ice cream)

Cals total before workout = 390

Cals total after workout = 510

Weight is down to 222lbs now, seems like I am giving my body what it needs *fingers crossed* Gonna lay off the ice cream though and go back to my sugar free popcyles that are only 4 carbs, eat stir frys, beef jerky, peanut butter and toast before workouts with some fruits or fruit smoothie, Ill figure it out :)

I have noticed that my arms have been getting more muscle mass *Rawr* :grin: So that's a good thing, well off to watch some more netflix with hubby then FREE RPG day tomorrow so alot of walking ahead of me ;)

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Food Diary - June 18th 2009

Breakfast Before workout:
1 glass of H20, Small handful of grapes

Activity: Bootcamp levels 1 and 2, housework - dishes & laundry sweeping and other stuff

Snack: beef jerky - 1 carb, water

Lunch: Sprite Zero (0 carbs), Taco salad (6 carbs)

Snack: grape sugar free popclce (4 carbs)

Supper: ceaser salad (0 carb dressing) 3 carbs, 1/2 can of sprite zero, ice cream for dessert (7 carbs)

Total Carbs for the day: Looks like 20ish

Current weight: 223

Goal Weight: 145lbs, 78lbs to go!!!!

So far in 11 weeks I have lost 27lbs and 12inches total ..... and I seriously really hope my body isn't teasing me cause I don't want to be on a plateau again come on weight get off seriously!!!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Give Up... Or Not....

Today has been funny, some days I just get so frustrated when it comes to this diet and weight loss thing, one day I jump on the scale Ive lose a pound, next day its back or sometimes 2 are back. Next day after they are gone, wtf is up with that? Seriously.... can the weight STAY OFF and can I please PLEASE LOSE MORE! .... or other times I am stuck on a crap ass plateau that wont go away... It's very frustrating!

I stick to my diet to a T 99.9% of the time that .01 % was the times like... I found out my friend died I had pizza and potato salad (Not all at once, that was over 3 days) when I was on my last plateau I had crab Rangoon but I baked it not deep fried and it was homemade and surprising after that I dropped 2lbs... They say, "If your on a Plateau eat filling foods like grains and fruits" Ya sure easy for you to say only time I can eat that is before my workout and even then I don't want to touch the grain stuff cause I am scared of gaining the weight back. Fruit though is easy but only having it before my workout has been a challenge cause I LOVE FRUIT! I make smoothies with fresh fruit and sometimes yogurt before my workout too LOVE THEM!

After my workout its all about eggs, cheese (which I am getting sick of makes me sick to my stomach anymore) and meats (which I LOVE!) and veggies ...... salads yup good to go there I could eat those all the time too. Just have to watch the ones I eat. Usually green veggies are lower in carbs then anything.

Drink wise I drink green tea and alot of it, 2L of it or more a day, I bought so much of it to begin with. Crystal light I have tons too, sometimes Ill mix the lemonade with the green tea when my sweet tooth hits cause I don't put any sugar or splenda in the tea to start with.

Reason I am typing this blog/note is I need to rant and get my frustrating thoughts out.

I really wish I did have a workout buddy, Ive asked hubby to join me for a walk outside on weekends but he doesn't want too, during the week I can understand cause he is working. But just a hour walk on weekends would be awesome or join me for a round on the Biggest Loser DVDs.... I mean my friend Jen wont be back til Aug, Jill next door is leaving town soon because she is getting married, Mandy lives 30Min's away, other friends are not close by, or have jobs and work alot. Some days I just can't do it myself, I have awesome support from online friends and I love it and I love them!

Some days I do wanna go for a walk but I get paranoid going alone, I hate being by myself plus ya sometimes I worry what others think etc, Ive always been like that.

I think I know what I need to do seriously... I need to get hubby on the same diet as me, I will make him sweets and goodies every now and then but seriously some days when hes eating pretzels or pasta or rice or cookies (WITH CHOCOLATE - my weakness) or all the good stuff YA I GET JEALOUS AS HELL! I will amit that lol. Seriously! Sometimes I wanna cry cause I want a cookie or a piece of chocolate, I have the willpower I do but when it comes to that time of the month, I usually sometimes don't.... 5% of the time I don't!

I just really want to get this weight off, can I get liposuction please, kidding but I seriously wish sometimes, I do need a breast lift my girls give me back issues expecally when working out, hurts to run and kills my back. I don't know how things work here in the US but I know when I lived back home in Canada if they are giving you problems they do the surgery's for free, couple of my friends are having it done or going to get it done. Should ask my doctor maybe there is something here in the US I don't know about.

I know I know if some of my guy friends are reading this TMI eh, sorry but I need to get this out. Forgive me! lol.

I know I been doing well on this diet, I just hope my insulin levels are coming down. I am glad and happy I am not diabetic! It will be 3 months on the 21st and so far I have lost 27lbs and 10-12 inches on my waist. Which is great I know that but I guess I just want things to go faster. I am not hungry all the time like I used to be which is great, not as tired even more great, tons of energy ... awesome. Just some days I feel like I wanna scream! I want to have someone I can talk to all the time sure I can email my doctor but I feel like if I do everyday, she's gonna think I am nuts. She probably wont but still it's the way I feel I know she is busy and I don't want to bug her all the time, you know? I know she's probably going to read this too since I am connected to her though FB, which is fine. :) I know i need to stop jumping on the scale everyday too, that's another problem. I am so obsessed with losing weight too, I really want one of those body bug armbands but I don't have $250-300 laying around not yet and I don't want to spend that much!

I think I am done ranting for now, I need to figure out dinner, maybe play some Final Fantasy X while waiting for hubby to get home from work..... 2.5 hrs from now.... If I need to rant more I will be back! =)

Thanks for listening/reading for those of you who are doing so :)

Food Diary - June 17th 2009

1 glass of green tea, 2 hard boiled eggs

Activity: housework - dishes & laundry and other stuff

Snack: beef jerky - 1 carb

Lunch: Green tea, ceaser salad with fresh parm cheese, mashed cauliflower with cheese (6 carbs total)

Snack: Salt & Viniger almonds (2 carbs) - these are what made me sick, some reason alomonds make me sick anymore...

Supper: Taco wonton wraps, bad I know... not sure on carbs though... 2 chocolate chip cookies for dessert, bad I know but I needed something to absorb the sick feeling and I didn't want crackers.....

Total Carbs for the day: Looks like over 20ish, not by much I don't think...
Current weight: 223

Goal Weight: 145lbs, 78lbs to go!!!!

So far in 11 weeks I have lost 27lbs and 12inches total ..... and I seriously really hope my body isn't teasing me cause I don't want to be on a plateau again!!

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Food Diary - June 16th 2009

1 glass of green tea, small handful of green grapes (Before my workout so its okay!)

Activity: Bob Harper's Bootcamp levels 1 and 2, housework - dishes & laundry

Lunch: Green tea, 1.5 peices of BBQ'd chicken & ceaser salad with fresh parm cheese

Supper: Slice of cinnamon raisin bread. Not sure how many carbs it had but I am sure it made the limit and more green tea

Snack: None

Total Carbs for the day: Looks like 20ish
Current weight: 223

Goal Weight: 145lbs, 78lbs to go!!!!

So far in 11 weeks I have lost 27lbs and 12inches total ..... and I seriously really hope my body isn't teasing me cause I don't want to be on a plateau again!!

Monday, June 15, 2009

Food Diary - June 15th 2009

1 glass of water, 3 slices of white grapefruit 2 sasuage (Before my workout so its okay!)

Activity: Bob Harper's Bootcamp levels 1 and 2, housework

Lunch: Water, 2 peices of BBQ'd chicken (2 carbs from the sauce)

Supper: Red Snapper - Spicy Korean dish took out the carrots and subbed broccoli, hot pepper paste, garlic, mushrooms, onion and zucchini..... didn't eat the rice. Not sure how many carbs it had but I am sure it made the limit

Snack: None

Total Carbs for the day: Looks like 20ish
Current weight: 223

Goal Weight: 145lbs, 78lbs to go!!!!

So far in 11 weeks I have lost 27lbs and 12inches total ..... and I seriously really hope my body isn't teasing me cause I really want off this plateau!!

I want to be 215 or less by the end of July!
Hoping for my goal by my birthday!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Food Diary - June 14th 2009

1 glass of lemonade, Scrambled Eggs with red onion, green pepper and black olives and 2 tbs of salsa (5 carbs)

Activity: Errands, walking walking and housework, laundry up and down the stairs, dishes, etc etc

Lunch: Water, wasn't all that hungry late breakfast

Supper: BBQ'd chicken breast and 4 inch thick slices of grilled zuccini (5carbs - homemade bbq sauce bump'd the carb count )

Snack: Popcle (4carbs).

Total Carbs for the day: Looks like 14
Current weight: 223

Goal Weight: 145lbs, 78lbs to go!!!!

So far in 11 weeks I have lost 27lbs and 12inches total ..... and I seriously really hope my body isn't teasing me cause I really want off this plateau!!

I want to be 215 or less by the end of July!
Hoping for my goal by my birthday!

Food Diary - June 13th 2009

1 glass of lemonade, wasn't hungry this morning

Activity: Errands, walking walking and more walking :p

Lunch: Fajitia Taco Salad - just ate the meat and veggies, rice went to my brother in law :p

Supper: I was seriously still full from lunch, had a popcycle tho... 4 carbs

Snack: Popcorn 7 carbs, still wasn't all that hungry.

Total Carbs for the day: Looks like 20 prolly, drank alot of tea today too

Current weight: 223

Goal Weight: 145lbs, 78lbs to go!!!!

So far in 11 weeks I have lost 27lbs and 12inches total ..... and I seriously really hope my body isn't teasing me cause I really want off this plateau!!

I want to be 215 or less by the end of July!
Hoping for my goal by my birthday!

Friday, June 12, 2009

Food Diary - June 12th 2009

Before workout: 2 Banana's, 1/2 vanilla yougert and 1 cup of cranberry juice whizzed in a blender ( It doesn't count before my workout)

Activity: Bootcamp "Bob Harper" - Levels 1 & 2

1 glass of green tea chilled, 2 hard boiled eggs

Snack: Cheese

Lunch: Turkey Breast & Broccoli/Cauliflower mix, more green tea! (3 carbs from Broccoli/Cauliflower)


Chicken fingers from Papa John's (??? carbs) lemonade! (0 carbs - crystal light ftw!)

Total Carbs for the day: Looks like unknown!

Current weight: 223

Goal Weight: 145lbs, 78lbs to go!!!!

So far in 11 weeks I have lost 27lbs and 12inches total ..... and I seriously really hope my body isn't teasing me cause I really want off this plateau!!

I want to be 215 or less by the end of July!
Hoping for my goal by my birthday!

The New SuperFoods

10 more nutrient-rich foods that will change your life and keep you feeling full on less

By Samra Habib (found on yahoo news!)

1. Mushrooms
Loaded with antioxidants, riboflavin, selenium and other nutrients that keep the immune system healthy and help stave off cancer. Sneak it in: Add to onions, garlic and thyme to make stock for risotto.

2. Kale
Rich with antioxidants, minerals and vitamins, kale is also thought to help lower risk of arthritis, as well as ovarian and breast cancers with sulphur-containing phytonutrients. Sneak it in: Use in winter soups and hearty pasta dishes.

3. Spirulina
With more iron than beef and more protein than soy, this algae is the only plant source of vitamin B12. Sneak it in: Add spirulina powder to breakfast smoothies and dips.

4. Cranberry
Compared to other fruits such as grapes and strawberries, cranberries have the highest level of phenols – an oxidant that decreases the risk of heart disease, stroke and cancer. Sneak it in: Add zest to your dinner with cranberry relish.

5. Kefir
Ideal if you're lactose intolerant, this cultured milk product delivers antibiotic properties, protein, minerals and vitamin B. Sneak it in: Use in place of yogurt with granola and berries.

6. Ground Salba
This ancient grain provides 8x more omega-3s than salmon, 25% more dietary fibre than flaxseed, 30% more antioxidants than blueberries, 7x more vitamin C than an orange... get the picture? Sneak it in: Sprinkle in cereal, smoothies, pasta dishes and salads.

7. Eggs
Cholesterol Shmolesterol. Egg yolks are loaded with choline, which is proven to help combat breast cancer. Sneak it in: Crumble a hard-boiled egg over your favourite salad.

8. Cherries
High in phytochemicals (plant chemicals that have disease preventative properties), cherries may also reduce inflammation. Sneak it in: Forget about sneaking! Just grab a handful as an afternoon snack.

9. Pistachios
Studies show these slow the rate of carbohydrate absorption and contain the fibre, protein and monounsaturated fat you need. Sneak it in: Use them in pesto in place of pine nuts.

10. Beets
Beets are high in folic acid and contain betacyanine, which is an antioxidant that gives beets their rich, red colour. Sneak it in: Add to your fave salad.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Food Diary - June 11th 2009

1 glass of green tea chilled, 2 hard boiled eggs, 1 Banana (yeah banana bad... cause I didn't workout after)

Activity: dishes ..... back to full workout routine tomorrow! Week from hell will be over

Snack: 1oz beef jerky, green tea (1 carb - beef jerky)

Lunch: Turkey Breast & Broccoli/Cauliflower mix, more green tea! (3 carbs from Broccoli/Cauliflower)


Salad with black olvies and 0 carb ceaser dressing (6 carbs) pink lemonade! (0 carbs - crystal light ftw!)

Snack: Popcorn (7 carbs)

Total Carbs for the day: Looks like right @ 17 but including the banana..... 38 BAD ME!

Current weight: 223

Goal Weight: 145lbs, 78lbs to go!!!!

So far in 11 weeks I have lost 27lbs and 12inches total ..... and I seriously really hope my body isn't teasing me cause I really want off this plateau!!

I want to be 215 or less by the end of July!
Hoping for my goal by my birthday!