Monday, June 28, 2010

Ill NEVER Understand *sigh*

Seriously here...

I am tired that 3 weeks ago when we got closer & closer to getting the house on the market everyone does 360's and goes into a mode where everyone's grumpy as hell stressed freaking out and basically all hell breaking lose.

I left for a few days cause I am tired of everyone freaking out & fighting, a headache that wont stop, heartache too cause I been greaving over family yet still .... last 3 months been HELL for me cause Grandma died last summer (aug) our friend died last may and April 7th was grandpa's birthday he passed Christmas 07, Grandma's birthday was May 1st, Mother's day and fathers day passed and its ... been hard!! I been greaving but yet he don't understand that, but Saturday he said that he wouldn't get on me about the cleaning and just be happy with what I do do.... and if i wanna go out and do something he will be happy with it etc and not complain, Ive always been happy when it comes to taking care of him and the house I love being home, but I do like to get out once in awhile too exp now since Ive made some close friends =)

But agreeing on a place to move is another issue, I get told I can pick then I get told I can't, cause I was wanting to move closer to my friends I been closer with now then before kinda thing u know? Cause if we move where he wants only way to get a second car on the road is if we get a really cheap house but I don't wanna work on the house I just wanna move in and have paint to do and be done with it kinda thing, I love being in the middle of everyone so its all equal but he wants to move where he wants to and 3-4 of our friends will be impossible to get to and see everyday cause its a 30-40min drive *sigh* So another thing that's gonna be nuts once we move cause Id love to be close to my friends house I am at now plus there yards are huge and I fell in love with a few houses this way and we will be in the area, but well its just nuts cause I don't think they will wanna drive 30-40mins almost everyday to come see me if I don't have the car and I don't wanna lose touch :(

What made me mad Saturday is we talked earlier in the week about having Saturday together to hang out over dinner/movie since his brother was there Friday and I went to hang out with my friend Friday cause it was her ONLY day off last week, and I didn't wanna sit around at the house while he had guy time, cause I like giving him that space to do so... its like he wants me there kinda thing so i dunno... but Saturday when he invited his brother to stay for dinner even tho i said i was gonna make steak and taters and we can do movies I took that as he don't wanna hang out kinda thing, he said he was going to the store so i said okay and I reminded him i needed the car later and he said he would brb so a hour later hes not back so i called his bros phone and turned out he went to his other brothers to hang out I did flip cause hello i mentioned i needed the car and i was gonna make dinner etc.. by this point I got the call about my friends mom falling and hurting herself, i was mad that he wanted the childish act of doing this without telling me cause he said I did it when I went out with my friend shopping which he knew but on the way home we stopped at her house for 10mins to see the kids off to bed and med my arm cause it was all sun burnt..... *sigh*

By this point I said you can come home or else when my friend and her mom get here from the hospital im leaving and i guess since his bro was with him and he was staying for dinner... But I guess he took that as for good, I mean he was out with his brothers I figure Im not gonna stay home by myself!! I did take my pc with me to help work on there pc big deal! That way we have a working pc right? ~ Well he went to work Sunday and told people that I had left and moved out and moved in with another co-worker and there family (our friends) which is gonna start roomers which we don't care what people think at this point but seriously how freaken childish is that!? *sigh*

I hate to be the one AGAIN every time to go back and try to work stuff myself out, I am always the first to TRY to get things back on track Ive tired for so long and im annoyed on doing so, but I seriously do love him with all my heart & I want this to work but its like hes still pushing me back, he needs to make up his mind....


I hurt everywhere right now and it's not cool what so ever ='(

Well my friend said she would be the 3rd Party if I wanted her to but my fear is if she does that he will get highly pissed and kick her outta the house and tell me not to hang out with her and if i do then __________ kinda thing and shes one of my best friends! ~ We tried a councilor once upon a time a free one cause can't afford much else... this was years ago and about other issues but it wouldn't work.... just doesn't help that his dad is always blah blah as well about house stuff ... i understand hes got money invested in helping us etc but I was never ready for this house to go on the market because everytime i get rdy to move all hell breaks lose and shit falls apart...... like whats going on now! I moved every year of my life up til 5.5 years ago when hubby and I got married and now cause im getting rdy to move again everythings falling to pieces and I am scared! I think we can work this but he needs to step up too!

I am not perfect I know this but *bangs head on desk and cries*


Sunday, June 27, 2010

I Know Your Gonna Read This....

I Misses ya but I think its good we give one another space right now with all the stress that's been going on cause of house renovations & your dad & getting the house up for sale Monday the last month has been so crazy everyone's been at one anothers necks... best to give time to step back and take a breath & breathe! ~ Your welcome to call me on your lunch break & we will talk tomorrow *hugs and kisses*

~ Me

ps.. we will get though this im sure =)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Gone For 1.5 days = TONS OF FUN & NO STRESS!

Okay well maybe a little stress lol

My friends called to let me know the pc was acting up again they got attacked by some Malware UGH! ~ So frustrating when pc issues come about but me? I don't mind going to fix it though it was tons of fun fixing it and while the pc was updating/scanning I was hanging out with the kids & my 2 friends.

Hubby had his bro here so all was good he had company, Friday (yesterday) I stayed to hang out with Yoey since she was off work, Thursday was when I went over to work on the pc well same with friday but I got some hang out time with my friends as well =)

Either way it was tons of fun, yesterday morning I woke up after dozing off at 5am and just went to making the kids breakfast before school dunno why I just boom done it was habit since my friend was getting rdy for work and others where still sleeping, then after they left I sat with my friend Yoey chatting and watching a movie in her room after she got up. Then we got up & got some of her errands done then I took a nap til the kids got home, fixed the pc some more and watched a movie & hung out with the kids some more =)

Either way it was nice to get away, I could of stayed longer today but I knew I had to get some stuff done here myself, came home to dishes in the sink, bathroom, floors eventually when people QUIT WALKING ON IT WITH THERE DANG SHOES! ~ Laundry as soon as the washer is free and some little odds and ends I need to do. ~ I also got errands done Target, Big Lots and Food shopping. It was nice to go solo and do that stuff went tons faster then usual. Steak was on sale got some of that for dinner, its to hot to grill might just pan fry it.

Well I am hoping hubby's attitude is better, so far meh meh but better improve or ill go back to working on the pcs. My head is killing me =(

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Even More Pissed Off

First off....

Good news is I am finally down to 178lbs... about 15 months ago I was 255 or more... so yeah 77lbs lost is good right? *sigh* I didn't lose that by doing nothing and sitting on my fucking ass all day DID I ? NO!

Thing is I will NEVER understand people

I cook 3-4 meals a day
Cutting the Grass (once a week usually depending on how much rain we get)
Making the bed
Cleaning out the fridge

the list goes on.......

Everyday same shit same ol crap everyday

and it doesn't stop once hubby gets home its a on going thing, even on his off days, I gotta cook clean and whatever...

I don't mind doing these things and staying home full time I really don't but when people say I need to step it up and do more or I am not doing enough



I am just so angry anymore, hurt, sad I am sick of the stress of the house stuff, Ive only been saying for the last 5.5 years I don't wanna move again or sell the house, I love it! ~ Only reason we are looking to move is a bigger house for a family but even then with hubby's attitude as of late & his dad pissing me off to no end...... I dunno anymore! AND this attitude didn't start til we got closer and closer to getting the house on the market!

Seriously the guy that came to take pics yesterday says everything don't have to be 200% perfect cause people still live here... I told him after I shook my head YOU TELL MY FATHER IN LAW THAT! ~ Cause hes the one that wants it all in perfect shape and its stressing us all out ~ But serious it has hubby has turned into someone I don't even know hes bitching about not having a day off in a week, WELCOME TO MY WORLD! I never get a day off and when i go out with friends for a few hours to do girly stuff and he doesn't get dinner he turns into a JERK! ~ Please I know I spoiled him for the last 5.5 years being home all the time (when I wasn't working) ~ But now that I have a license and Im going out and doing things its like all hell is breaking lose SORRY FOR HAVING A LIFE & WANTING TO TAKE A MOMENT TO BREATHE! Fuck I wanna punch something or someone!

Gosh I feel smothered sometimes... its like I have a fucking curfew he calls when I am out to my friends phones or he wants to choose who I can hang out with I wanna say YES DAD! cause its what it feels like sometimes I wanna scream go hide and cry FUCK IM GROWN UP! Sure I am not working but its not like I don't do my chores and just go play I fucking do them! Sure sometimes Ill slack a bit or not cook cause I am out but 1 night you can't make one fucking meal!? ~ Now I know if I was with HIS FRIENDS I mean there my friends too but if I was with Kim or something I am sure he wouldn't be calling 3x in 5 mins!

I feel like I am dealing with a teenager! Mom when you coming home I am hungry FUCK OFF god its like living with my ex boyfriend again sometimes ... He would call 5mins after I get to work and know I wasn't getting off work for 8hrs and be like ..... when you coming home I am hungry...... FUCK OFF! there is chicken in the freezer the fingers you bake for 20mins ya those that he always wanted to buy cause they are quick.... ya im about to start buying those for hubby too cause you know what QUIT BEING LAZY! ~

Don't get me wrong im happy I get to stay home 100% of the time but when people want you here 24/7 and to baby them its like having kids and your how old? But again its my fault for doing everything... I said to myself I wasn't gonna do that anymore and its just habit ive done it and now its expected but seriously when we move its not gonna happen again cause I don't want people to expect things, My friend Scoot back in the day his mom did that cleaned everything for us cooked worked etc etc and gave us 20 bucks a day to go eat sometimes or spend on ourselves...


My doctor already told me my blood pressure is 1 point before high I mean FUCK! Hes pissed off and so I am I !!

Okay I am done ranting for now... I swear tomorrow I am going to hang out with Yoey I need time away or I am seriously gonna break something or smack someone!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Well last few days I had a blast, went to some friends house to help them with a few things and fix there computer, so fun to the pc isn't fixed YET lol to much wrong with it but ill get it going soon I hope! I have another to fix too, well 2 lol! ~ Also went hiking with there kids and just so much fun! I mean totally tons of fun! After being gone for a few days I came home decided what the heck weigh myself, I lost 4lbs in like 3 days or less, i was like HOLY CRAP! I can tell my stress level here with home renovations & such been effecting my stress level exp now that I weighed myself last night and in 1-2 days I gained the weight back! UGH! SO MAD!

Id love to get away for a few days again be so much fun! ~ My friends son asked me if I was gonna go to NY with them in July Id love to but hubby said no, Id love to get away for a few more days & go have fun see places I never been! I bet Id be under 180 when I get back lol, but unfort I can't go and Ive never been to NY So thus I am sad & jealous cause I really wanna go Ive always wanted to go to NY! *sigh* maybe some other time. Tho I know we where talking about making a trip to Canada once they got there passports so I dunno, but I really wanna go to NY!! LOL Seriously I wanna get away from the crazy house selling crap !! Exp today since the lady is coming today to tell us what to sell for. *sigh* Is it over yet? House sold yet? Vacation time yet? *sniff* I just wanna go *kicks dirt* I been so stressed I haven't been able to sleep let alone anything else to much going on, can I go & get away for a bit please? *sniff*


Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Frustrated, Stressed, Exhausted, Sad....

Need I say more?

Well today ended up being a R&R day, but my mind couldn't take a rest kept thinking of all the crap that needs to be done before the lady comes to give us pointers on what to do before/when we put the house up for sale etc, honestly I love this house great backyard & everything can't I just take it with me? But we are leaving the area totally need better schools, But seriously I just need to get back on track with my workouts, doc says my blood pressure is a few points from being considered "high blood pressure" and he really doesn't want to put me on meds for it when I can lower it myself.... part of it is from the meds I'm taking my weight loss ones he has given me which to be honest I don't want to give up just yet seriously... they are helping me from "over eating" something I do when I stress out which I been doing A LOT of & it doesn't help me reach my weight loss goals, my goal & focus is losing weight but so much is preventing me from dedicating 100% like I had been months prior I was working out 1-3hrs a day 4-6 days a week prepping foods etc right now everything & everyone is/has been so frustrating and annoying to me with poking at this and that I just wanna scream, "Leave me & the house the fuck alone" Not so much hubby really just everyone else.... I just hope we can find a buyer quickly & move get it over with so I can get back on track, I want to be where I need/want to be next month so we can start a family I don't think there gonna want me to start a family with high blood pressure ...I know it will come down once I get on track with exercise but question is WHEN!? I am so tired of the stress.... I know if I stop taking the weight loss meds it will help too... but I still need them right now.... I only have 33lbs left I lost 72lbs dang it & only 32 of those lbs where with the meds since January !! ~ Please god give me the strength to bust ass though these last 33lbs & help us get things on track find a home fine someone to buy this house etc just want this stress to be gone so I can get on track with continuing to be healthy =(

In other notes/news etc......

February was very nice.. 5 years for hubby & I .... April was a very nice month Hubby's birthday Grandpa's birthday and many other friends had a nice surprise party for hubby tho had a ton of people we enjoy hanging out with around for the party, hubby was surprised tho I think he knew all along since he didn't mention D20 gaming that weekend but Vince stole him off for the night before so us gals can finish cooking/prepping tons of fun!!

Tho then May came was VERY stressful too since it was mother's day & my grandma's birthday she passed away last summer so it was a stressful emotional month her and grandpa will always be mom and dad to me they raised me for many years & I love/miss em so much... plus a year mark of when our friend who was/is like a brother Will passed away.... so its been a ride to say the most on this roller coaster and doesn't help I hold in my feelings and tears til I explode on someone instead of letting it out... so yeah I am bad for that... and father's day is this coming weekend and grandpa is no longer here either... I also wish sometimes even tho I hate winter cause its so cold... it was fall/winter again so these sad months can be forgotten tho they have good memories in the past they just hurt right now will this pain go away eventually? =(

But I am looking to the future with hubby & future kids getting back on track with weight loss etc just the stress needs to go away, it will I know it will just can't wait til it does, tho there will always be stress but right now its HUGE stress....

Well gonna go try and sleep, tho hubby is snoring im gonna have to smack him to stop, first brush my teeth & get a drink..... then try & sleep after I bump the kitties off the bed, there all sleeping on my side, go figure =P

Sunday, June 06, 2010

Supportive & Amazing Family & Friends!

I have to say I am very thankful I have amazing Family & Friends that are so supportive in my weight loss, this morning I am talking to a friend of mine Agustus. Ive known him for the last 3-4 years now, met him in the online game I play City of Heroes. It's a game where you can run around and be a super hero or super villain, you pick your powersets, let's say you want to be a fire person like human torch but want pets, well you can pick a fire controller & eventually when you level up to 32 you can get 3 little fire imps & depending on what you pick for a secondary power will depend what you can do too like heal or buff or whichever =) It's a really fun game I been playing it since Beta back in 2004, so yeah many many years ago =P

I got many compliments since I have been on my weight loss journey & I thank everyone for every single on of them you guys keep me going! I mean seriously I am happy to help & inspire others reason I started my weight loss page on facebook there is many that have helped & inspired me too!

In the last 14 months Ive lost 72lbs with 33lbs left to my goal of 150lbs if I get there I will be 10lb shy of the weight I was when I graduated high school But most of you are wondering.... this compliment I have to say this one takes the cake, Agustus my friend wrote this to me:

** if i may say it.. i am soooo proud of you.. with you progress in loosing weight. i know is hard, and much hard work i have looked at the pics and i can only say " look at this girl. Shes play a super heroine in an game but look she is a hero in RL girl you keep up the good work. i am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud of you, cause i know it takes dedication and self control. when i saw you posting thing about the biggest loser, i was waiting to see you in an episode... but then i i thought WAIT A SEC!! she is not a loser. she is a heroine that is why i am so proud of her! ** ~

Thanks again Agustus, everyone it's not just me you my wonderful family & friends all help as well! I wouldn't be where I am today without all of you! Much luv to everyone!! =) I am truly blessed & thankful for every single one of you & of course my awesome hubby who is now eating the samethings I am pretty much so I don't get jealous ; ) I love you babe!