Friday, July 02, 2010

Borrrrrrred & Jealous, lol

Well you got it another rant/boredom post ......

Today I got asked to go to a amusement park with some friends/family of mine, thing is I couldn't since I had more crap around here to do with cleaning etc.... I spent yesterday sweeping, dishes, dusting, putting on the new couch cover, bathroom, spare room, beds, curtains, cleaning around the PCs, cleaning the tables, counters, laundry (5 loads), sweeping the basement, making phone calls, cleaning/dusting the blinds and sewing up pants, today I did the rest of the laundry, dishes, cut the grass, floors, bathroom, brushing the kitties, and tonight I have some store runs to make for new cat water filters, milk, bread, lunch meat..... but yet it is never enough... *sigh* wonder why I am stressed, I hate crying all the time, I am still hurting over Grandma dying last Aug and still on Grandpa & our friend William but I am just to "get over it" and "swallow the hurt and deal with it later" Ya bull shit.... Grandma hasn't even been gone a year yet and her birthday/mother's day/grandpa's birthday/father's day/year of when Will died just passed (April/May/June) but I am just to "Get over it"

Well I left last Thursday to help my friends with there PC, I was up til 5am working on it and watching tv with there oldest son & chit chatting I talked to hubby that night & he said he didn't care what time it was he would come get me & take me home since he was off Friday but thing was I was still working and by the time I dozed off (5am) I said screw it when I woke at 6:30 when the kids where getting up for school, I got up & made them breakfast since my friend (there mom) was still in bed & my other friend (there dad) was in the shower getting ready for work. So after they all left I told hubby previous that I was gonna be back out hanging out with my friend Friday anyways cause it's her ONLY day off last week & he was having his brother over anyways so I didn't feel like coming home to clean or whatever for 2-3hrs then go back, no point really when I could be hanging out with her and he was off Saturday anyways! Well I thought that his brother would be spending the night so I stayed put myself. Turns out after the movies he left I told hubby he could of called me I could of came home! =/

Saturday came around thought I would go home since Hubby & I planned a evening of movies/dinner and we had errands to run that day, little did I know I had to hear him his brother and his dad go at it over a stupid ceiling fan and other things, I wanted to say STFU & GET OUT! I am serious I am tired of the yelling and stress and bull shit with the house going up on the market. His mom even stopped by with her hubby & told me she had to leave and leave fast she was already tired of hearing them go at one another so she finally rolled her eyes and left. (and after what his dad said to me the other day I don't want him here at all he was acting like MY dad and putting me down and saying hurtful shit, for that I am really not liking the man right now almost to the point of saying I hate him & I don't want him around me or his grandkids if/when we decide on having them!)

I spent most of the day running errands, It was nice to get out by myself and do them instead of hearing hubby how long I was gonna be etc since I spend quite a bit of time in the grocery store lol I have a habit of reading all labels, plus I was able to turn up MY music & relax and drive around enjoying the hot weather =) ~ I did miss hanging out with my friends and there kids, I was having a blast, nice stress re-leaver too. I did miss hubby don't get me wrong I just didn't miss the tension & bitching in the air which has been a non stop thing as of late & with my doctor worried on my high blood pressure or borderline I should say I want it to come down before my next app in 10 days.

Well hubby then invited his brother to stay for dinner Saturday and usually I don't mind but it was to be OUR afternoon/evening hanging out together, he then said he wanted to go to the store which was fine but then a hour later not back yet? I was mad cause I had dinner started by this point the kitchen cleaned up and the rest of the house cept laundry couldn't do that cause Eric had his stuff in the washer !! I usually don't mind but shit if your going to the store go and come back simple, but hubby wanted to play a immature childish act he says it was because when my friend and I went out shopping the other day then swapped cars and went somewhere else (which he knew about) because we stopped for 10mins on the way bringing me home at her house so we could doctor my arm (sunburn all to hell hurt like a bitch too) and she can tuck her kids into bed. Ooooo 10 mins fucking cripes, she had forgot her cell in the car so we didn't know he called til we got in to take me home, he called the house phone but the kids lost it reason why we left right away lol.

Well anyways Saturday was the day my friends mom slipped & fell in a water puddle at walmart no wet floor sign nothing, so she had to head to the hospital to get checked to be sure nothing was broken. They needed to get 4-6 sewing projects done before Wed when my friends hubby & their oldest was leaving for vacation cause they where working on sewing projects for the new babies that will be coming into the family soon. With her mom bruised to the bone and hardly being able to get around she had to call sick to work. By this point I got a hold of hubby and I told him he could come home now or when my friend and her mom came by I might as well go back over there cause I came home to have the evening with him but if he was staying over there I wasn't gonna stay home solo. Makes sense right? So he could of said I am on my way home .. but no... so by this point I said well you got your choice come home now or else kinda thing when they get here I am leaving, I still had work to do over there anyways. So they showed up no hubby so I grabbed my pc and left so they would have a pc they could use while I was still working on theirs only fair in that aspect. Sunday came around I spent the night no reason for me to go home since who knows when hubby got home. Plus he was working Sunday so ... when he got home I called him and told him we needed to chat cause I was tired of stressing and crying and listening to the BS with him and his dad and all of us and being told I don't do enough well he was eating dinner & didn't wanna listen to me so he hung up, how the fuck are we gonna work shit out if he keeps shutting down seriously, another thing that makes me fear get closer and closer to coming true and its not all me its him too! Ive been only asking him to tell me its gonna be okay and keep me safe and sound but ugh he can't even do that, hes come around a bit since last night but saying it while holding on to me and actually meaning it is another story!

Thing is also ever since we got closer and closer to get the house up for sale and now that it is my fear kicks in yes the fear i been talking about, hubby thinks its silly but to me its not from age newborn til I was 24 I moved almost every year of my life and every time I did I always lost friends/family/ppl I love & care about..... since then I been able to settle for the last 5 years in the house we are in now, I know eventually one day we where gonna look for a bigger house when we have kids etc but we don't even have kids yet.... and now that most if not all my good friends are near this house I wanna stay !! ~ I mean I feel safe here its my little shell so to speak. I am not ready to move and where hubby wants to move is way the fuck out there, sure some family/friends are there but every time I wanted to go with them or do something, something always comes up so.... and one of them after the drama going on there I don't wanna hang out with her. So I got sick of trying. Plus my friends kids I love them to death. Every time I am over there I get told the kids are happy and they don't want me to leave. Every time they see me its like instant attachment and I seriously don't mind one bit! Plus being in the middle of everyone is perfect !! Sure there are other kids I can hang out with too hubby's other brothers kids but I barley know them and last time one of them came over he sat on my pc and played city of heroes the whole time lol, at least with these kids they have some games and such but its something everyone can play OR we go outside and run around which is much healthier =)

Also if we move where hubby wants I wont have the car prolly 85-95% of the time cause he will have it at work and Ill be way out in BUTT FUCK IDAHO with no way to get back to the city to hang out with my friends! Could get the second car back on the road I know we can afford it & stuff but hes saying NO so.... I love being home but id like to get out too, he tells me ill need a job then to pay for the second car, okay we are eventually gonna need it anyways what if/when we have kids and one gets hurt & i gotta take him to his work? which is like 45mins to a hour drive? He says ambulance pffft for $1000 each time and it's NOT covered that's outta pocket!? BULL!

I swear we need to come up with some kinda agreement but every time we talk about shit it turns into one big argument and I am getting so tired, angry & frustrated beyond belief, I honestly sometimes wish I was in NY this week with my friend & his son, ive seen a vid of them eating NY pizza gosh darn I am so jealous!! After hearing so much about NY in the last few weeks I wanted to go lol. Maybe another time, I know we where planning a trip to Canada once they get there passports, be fun =)

I just hope things work out soon, I also wanna get my tattoo, I wanna head to some metal concerts in the area..... maybe I will get a job eventually just so I can save up some cash & buy a new new car with a CD player I love the 1994 Chev we have in the back don't get me wrong unless there is someway to hook up a portable CD player and get that nasty smell outta the car, speaking of nasty smells I finally got the smoking smell outta our Kia but some arse says I can't handle stress, hes one to talk Mr start smoking again BULL *sigh* I seriously didn't lose almost 80lbs for nothing on my end of the promise he was doing awesome over a year smoke free then cause hes stressed cause I wasn't here to help with house shit he starts again, just love being in the black when hes gotta go buy smokes, arse face.

Anyways I think I am done ranting for now, something needs to change and its not me going back to being home full time with my tail between my legs, Ive been doing that every year and just agreeing with whom ever i was living with/with and I am getting sick of it, I wanna stand my ground and be ME, Ill be home full time and take care of the house but when I wanna spend time with hubby, friends, family etc Ill go do it and I don't wanna hear people bitch and whine, I mean sure Ill be home to spend time with hubby when he gets home etc that's fine but when its just me here by myself I am going to enjoy myself =)

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