Friday, August 27, 2010

Dear Grandma & Grandpa (aka Mom & Dad)

A friend of mine gave me a idea to write a letter to my Grandparents, Im gonna try to anyways and get what's on my mind off it.... so.... I go I guess..... I write this is also I need to get a few things off my chest, I been holding a lot in cause well some things shouldn't be said allowed but thing is the people I should be able to talk to about it, I can't, why? Cause I am just being silly about it..... so my friends my family please bare with me as I write my heart out of what's going on in my mind.

I really don't know where to start to be honest. All I know is I miss my grandparents A LOT to me they where more then Grandparents they where my parents I mean they raised me from the time I was born til I was 6 but even tho I didn't see them everyday or talk to them everyday after that I knew they where watching over me & keeping tabs on me to make sure I was happy & safe, though they knew when I wasn't happy & tried to give me advice or always had those kind words of wisdom I always needed when I needed it or when I didn't even need it they always knew when something was wrong even being 1000 miles away they knew and would call to see how I was or Id call just to say HI and it's like they always knew & I needed those kind words, today I need those words words of wisdom of what to do how to do it when to do it but they are no longer here, I try to picture what they would say or do to make me feel better and get me back on track again, but I don't have that anymore and I am heartbroken and sad beyond words.

I have my real mom but I don't know where she is, am I ready to face her after all these years? Be honest I don't think I will ever be ready, I know it's not her fault for the way she is but I still am not ready, thought I was when I was 18 but that back fired and I ran far far away. My dad I talk to him once in awhile but every time I asked something in the past "Let me ask Deb" are the last words that come outta his mouth. Deb is my step mom, Us 3 we always had our good and bad days and days that just dragged on bad for ages. She was the closest thing I had to a mom growing up after I left living with my Grandparents cause my dad wanted me back living with him but to be honest I had to teach myself a lot & learn a lot from my Grandmother, she will always be my number one mom like my Grandfather will always be my number one dad cause they have always been there no matter what. Reason I wish I stayed with my Grandparents even after 6 cause life up til I was 11 was HELL and I am over those years now but they wont be forgotten because of all the bull shit that went on.

My friends try to help me they do they give great advice, I rant on my facebook page they read, put up with me, they listen they try to help and I thank every single one of you for it, but to be honest it's just not the same and I know you all understand that, friends I was with over a month ago where there helping as well they gave me a place to stay for awhile I mean I could of went home but I was helping them a lot and I enjoyed being over there & hanging out with them & the kids, today they have there own problems to deal with & I understand that, I do miss them so much my heartbreaks cause I was adopted by my friends mom. Just thing is I hope things get better for everyone soon and know I am always here for my friends no matter what. I just hope all will be okay so we can all get together again soon & have some fun like old times, but til then I am trying to juggle a lot of things on my own and with everyone that's trying to help me now and don't think I don't appreciate it cause I do, trust me I do. Just everyone has there own way of touching a persons heart, mind, body and soul if that makes any sense.


The selling the house thing, my BIGGEST FEAR to be honest is losing friends/family I am close too, I moved a lot growing up almost every year of my life up til February 2005 that's when I made a trip down to where I am now. To meet/visit my husbands parents, we ran off & got married it was Valentine's weekend he drove 14 hours to come & get me and ask me to marry him after we talked online for 6-8 months 8+ hours a day. Crazy eh?

Well I really liked it here decided to stay, thing is every time I moved didn't matter where, when, who, what, why etc Id lose touch with a lot of friends/family next thing I knew I didn't hear from them anymore and they just poof disappear, I knew where they where, tried to contact them but never get any reply, reason my biggest fear is now same-things going on, even though people have promised it wont happen it's that FEAR that eats at me constant. It' sucks it really does. That's one of the reasons of many WHY I DON'T WANT TO MOVE! ~ The other reasons are cause I love the house I am in, I been here 5.5 years now many years longer then I been anywhere in my life, I love it! ~ Close and in the middle of ALL my friends I mean ya we will prolly need a bigger house eventually but I am not even preggers yet! ~ Let alone HAVE A KID! *sigh*

Well I just called my docs office cause I wanted to ask some questions about going off the phentermine I was on turns out you can be moody constant, gotta get your body back on track, feeling sleepy all the time, sluggish, depressed, body going under stress trying to adjust. There is many symptoms so hey me being bitchy isn't all my fault LOL only 85% of the bitchiness LOL!They said it takes 4-8 weeks JOY! lol so that on top of everything else not hearing from friends, stressed out, worrying about friends, trying to take some me time which I get bored of me time lol. I know things will get better sooner or later just gonna take time.

Well I think I am going to stop here for now, I need to make another phone call to my friend Kim & hubby should be calling sooner or later on his lunch break it's after 11am & I am getting hungry <3 1="">

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