Year End Weight Loss Journey Check-in!

 As you sit there and read this... Not just for me but for you too It's been a never-ending journey and changing your life to be healthy and lose weight and all that stuff right? But it's also a lifelong change. I hope you don't get scared off and actually take the time to read this, that way you better understand not just me and my journey but understanding everything that you see online related to similar things you see out there if that makes sense. As well as think back on all your hard work and know and realize things and know that what you are doing is worth it.

I know I have had people tell me my story inspires and I been sharing it more and more these last few months, there are many people like you or may not be like you that need that inspiration, so please don't get scared, read away. I promise it will be worth the read I wanted to write this again on another website so I decided here on Fitbit to help those of you out there taking the time to read this... So this is my journey and after you read it, sit and think and reflect on your own journey, you will be surprised the little things and big things that stand out once you reflect...

Things started for me back in the years 1997-2000.

2000 is when I graduated from high school. Through high school years being active doing track/sports/weightlifting and being made fun of for it, I was told I looked like a boy and girls shouldn't be lifting, girls were made to grow up and have babies and take care of babies. I grew up in a small town.

After graduation, I turned to food and just ate. I got into a dead-end relationship for 5 years in the late 90s early 00s, where the guy I was dating his depression didn't help me any, I thought I could help him. He told me one day if we were together in 5 years we would get married & have kids.

Well over the years things got worse.

When I would want to go to friends to hang out he would moan and cry and not want me to leave my friends dumped me soon after when this got really annoying. When I would go to work he would call me 15mins after I clocked in asking when I was coming home because he was hungry. The threats and abusive nature from him, I didn't know what else to do being so young, I had no one to turn too. So I would spend all my time eating and not going anywhere. My family didn't care so, I was alone with him...

Finally 5 years down the line he finally admitted he didn't want kids or get married, plus years during this dead-end of a relationship my esteem, confidence, and self-worth the little I did have, was now gone. But I finally got out of there in early 2004! Him showing up at my job and acting like a total nutcase making a big scene, I was at the end of my rope, I was done and had the courage to GTFO! Thanks to my friends who had come back into my life after abandoning me because I got into that relationship!

Well, in late 2004 I started talking to my soon to be husband online/phone as our friend that lived across the border from me introduced us while we were playing an online game called "City of Heroes". During this time I realized over the years I had got really fat. But my husband accepted me 100% for who I was, weight and all. I mean he did drive to Canada (14hrs) and popped the question from the midwest USA so, there was that!

2005 we got married after talking online/phone for 6 months. I tried to start losing weight and bettering myself but I kept falling backward. Failing! I gave up.

2007-2008 

I had a doctor misdiagnosed me. Put me on metformin even though I wasn't diabetic, 2000mg a day. She also put me on an unlimited meat/eggs/cheese diet and I was only allowed 20 carbs a day from veggies, nothing more or nothing less. When I got my first set of blood work before I started this diet it was surprisingly normal for as fat as I was.

3 months later being on this diet my numbers were in the crapper. I lost about 40lbs in those 3 months because the metformin was making me sick most of the time so I couldn't eat. After another 3 months, I felt like I was dying, I was craving potatoes, rice, pasta so bad by this point. I was crying. I felt so awful. But the doctor wanted me to continue what I was doing.

Fall 2008 - My husband changed jobs and got one that had benefits, I could actually go to an actual doctor instead of gear to income clinic from hell as I called it. My new doctor right away told me that I wasn't diabetic so he was unsure why this other doctor had me on metformin and esp that high of a dose, no diabetic even would take a dose that high!

Turns out when the doctor at the clinic from hell gave me an insulin/sugar test with the sugar stuff you drink, she gave me enough for a pregnant woman!! She clearly didn't know what the f#%^k she was doing so that was why I was so white and ready to faint after the 4 hours and drawing blood every hour!

Jeebus!

So my new doctor after reading over these tests promised to help me and get me on track, the first thing he did was cut me back slowly on doses of metformin. He also ran my blood-work and I was months shy of actual death due to the diet my previous doctor had me on, I was 27...

2009-2010

I continued on the right path losing weight and getting on track, but something felt wrong to me yet again. I hit a plateau and got discouraged. My doctor helped me out by temporarily putting me on phentermine. It got me over the plateau but my blood pressure was now outta wack, so off the phentermine and on blood pressure meds.

By the fall we moved into our new house just before Halloween, I fell off the wagon and gave up losing weight even tho I had lost over 150lbs.

2011-2014

I gained all the weight I lost back, then probably some extra. I don't know. All I know is I was still on blood pressure meds, still feeling pretty crappy. Found out after almost 9 years of trying for a family I couldn't have kids. This sunk me into more of a depressed state.

2015

Being married now 10 years at this point, I was still struggling with confidence/esteem issues. I was just set in my ways. My hubby sat me down and expressed his concerns with my weight, telling me that he wanted to grow old with me and enjoy retirement with me and he was concerned we would never be able to do that with my weight and how it was.

I realized he was right, I was now almost 35 and I haven't done much but take care of the house and game for the last many years. I mean in 2013 I did start working part-time to get a 2nd car and put all my pay to paying it off (which I had done in the first few months of working there).

So I realized that I needed to not just start working on my weight but myself too so I looked into getting some counseling since I wasn't ready to join a gym. Last time I joined a gym I remember I would walk in and have everyone just stare at me. So I decided to workout at home. I had my biggest loser DVDs from my previous journeys and I could walk outside. So off I went.

So from Summer 2015 to Summer 2016, I did just cardio. Once it got to the hot super summertime in 2015 we bought me a treadmill so I could walk inside instead of dying in the heat outside. Same with the fall/winter didn't wanna freeze.

Summer 2016 came around and I joined a gym. I felt better at walking into one being over 100lbs lighter, they offered free personal trainers so I got with one. He gave me workout plans, started to do them. My eating was still okay, not the best but ok. Fall 2016 I started to plateau, the trainer told me I wasn't eating enough that I needed to eat more, so I did, tossed the scale aside, and did what he said.

By Christmas, I didn't feel any different if anything I felt fatter then I was again, turns out when I jumped on the scale eating more was the wrong move. I gained 50-60lbs back, I was devastated. I almost wanted to give up but I didn't.

January 2017 I quit listening to the trainer I had and started doing my hubby's old workout routine when he was in the military.

Hubby even joined me because he felt motivated to make some changes. He was still doing really well on quitting smoking. He had quit for almost 10 years but running into some old friends triggered wanting to pick up cigarettes again.

He was super mad at himself. I told him to just take steps to quit again that he did it before and I believed in him that he could do it again.

I quit smoking back in 2000 so it was a huge deal to me.

By April/May we joined a new gym, got with a trainer there, and a food coach too. By the time I joined with them I had lost all the weight I gained from the other trainer. So I kept going.

The year and my workouts went on and I managed to lose about 90lbs that year.

2018

I kept on the same workout plan, my eating was so-so. But I kept moving forward.

April I had enough guts to join wrestling school, esp since they were having free tryouts for women. I was nervous as all hell going in there but thanks to one of the trainers Sarge, it wasn't so bad lol. I was about 200lbs down by this point.

Even tho I was still struggling with my mindset of being even heavier sometimes it took learning moves pretty hard because I was scared to hurt people.

I made 3 wrestling show debuts in 2018 which were enough to graduate wrestling manager. I was told to work 3 more shows to graduate referee. I even got my wrestling license in August that year!

There been setbacks that year, one was landing on the ring apron and being down and out for the 2 weeks. But got back at cardio and ended the year slow.

early 2019 was the year I graduated twice from wrestling school, the first female non-USA born to do this accomplishment, both referee and manager.

Sadly my car needed repairs come that summer and that put my wrestling fun on hold but I still had my artwork that I do!

I resumed my workouts and kept kicking as much butt as I could while I could till September when I had to have my tonsils out, but what was another setback at this point?! Just another bump I will get over!

Well... here is 2020!

and now yup it's 2020 and late 2020 at that, we are almost at the end of December!

I promise I am almost done with my story!!

For the last little over 5 years, I have been busting my ass to lose weight and get healthy... I had setbacks, who doesn't? Some days I look at the calendar and go... great another year gone and it feels like I didn't accomplish anything...

I know over 220lbs is a lot and yeah sometimes I don't eat the best, other times I do. My workouts are sometimes consistent and sometimes not. I try my best and my hardest to keep doing what I am doing even with the obstacles and other things that stand in my way.

I know it's all a process and journey, not a race...

For now, I will continue my workouts at home because I am still not heading back to the gym since numbers are still climbing with COVID, having less stress working out at home is best right now anyway since I am getting more results this way, plus my doctor was happy when I told her I was sticking with at home till this COVID stuff goes away!

But here I am and yes I am still powering through and you know what you can too!

Between all this and the bullying and everything else I been through, I know I will reach my goals, takes time, as frustrated and annoyed as I get sometimes... yeah I'll get there, I am worth it, I can't give up now.... neither can you ♥

I went from a 6X to now an XL/L depending on the clothes...

lost over 25 inches in my upper arms and upper legs

and countless other victories!

Not to mention this after my doc apt this week!

Thanks for reading ♥

Remember you are not alone in this, we are in this together!

SW: 460

CW: 236

Current Goal: 200

GW: 160 

Skeeter - 2004 - 2020

This morning we had to help Skeeter reach the rainbow bridge, it came so suddenly... Around midnight last night she was playing & getting mad at me for spending the first-night cleaning & not sitting down so she could sit in my lap... finally after she ate a bunch of food at midnight she made herself comfortable in my lap.

Around 2/3am she got so upset and struggled to eat and such. I tried everything I could to help her get comfortable. She would hide in her cubby hole in the cat tree. Joel was at work so I sat here trying to be strong and not cry because I didn't want Skeeter to see me cry... I knew this was her way of telling us she was ready... we think just like that with a blink of an eye her one or both kidneys gave out. She got diagnosed with kidney issues last June & she had been doing well up to this point with food/fluid treatments, we did have a scare a few months ago before quarantine started but she was starting to get better.

I suppose it was her time as much as it hurts and I didn't want it to be... She was such a good girl, she loved to sit in our laps, and when she wanted she would crawl up and sit on our shoulders and neck. Things had to be HER way... she was a demanding little kitty!

I will never forget the day we brought her home... we had taken Salem to the vet (this was back in 2007) Salem was getting spay... we saw Skeeter in her cage. At the time she was called "Skeet" because they thought she was a boy... she rubbed up against the cage wanting attention. At the time we had 5 kitties (Salem, Scyko, Slayer, Bubbles, and Olivia) we didn't think we could take another... Fate had another plan...

When we went back to the vets about a week later to get Salem's stitches out Skeeter was still there... her cage said "Last Day August 30th" It was now Sept something... Joel asked the vet what it meant... turns out if they don't get adopted by a certain date they give them another week or two, they don't get adopted they... well you know... Joel & I couldn't let that happen!!!!!

At the time I was working part-time at Bath and Body Works and Joel was guarding grocery stores. We happened to just have a check his work owed him for back pay on a shift he worked for the exact amount = $95 to adopt her... we lived off $1 isle food for 2 weeks just so we could bring her home! When they took Skeeter back to make sure "he" was neutered they came back out saying "it's a girl!"

So that is how she went from Skeet to Skeeter ♥

She was about 3 when we adopted her back in 2007, so we had many good years with her over these last years. Rest well little girl, by now you have reunited with Olivia, Slayer, JR, Bubbles, and Salem and running those fields of the Rainbow Bridge, we will see you again someday baby. Until then have fun with your brothers and sisters Skeeter-do, we will always love you!

A Wife of a Security Officer

As a wife of a security officer
For the last 15+ years
and I know many more years in the future

For years before 2020...

I always worried about my husband when he left for work
I would always say my prayers to keep him and everyone safe
I would swallow and smile and keep my chin up as I see him pull from our driveway and head to work, I would get a workout done, house cleaned, meals prepared, errands ran...
I then play my video games, play with our kitties and sit here for the hours he is at work
Keeping myself busy also watching tv, knitting or other hobbies I enjoy doing
When I would get wrestling show work I would do that or spend time with friends
Work on art commissions or my comics to keep the time passing by till he walks in the door
My fear would grow when I don't hear from him for a certain amount of time
But he would always find the time to call now and then to say,  "I love you and I wanted to be sure you are doing ok and safe. I miss you and I will be home soon, promise"
I knew he would be okay, he's got a great group of guys and gals that have his back
He always promises to come home every day and I believe him
When he does walk in the door I greet him with a smile and ask him how his day was followed with a hug and kiss.
He then would go shower since he works in a hospital... then we would go about our evening with some dinner and a few tv shows with a glass of wine/beer before we turn in!

Today... as of the last few weeks... I worry even more...
I say my prayers to keep him and everyone safe
I swallow and instead of putting on a smile with my chin raised...
My lower lip trembles in fear as tears fill my eyes as I see him pull out of the driveway
Once he is no longer in view tears fall down my cheeks

As I sit here for the hours he is at work
Fear grows when I don't hear from him for a certain amount of time
He will call now and then to say "I love you and I wanted to be sure you are doing ok, I miss you and I will be home soon, promise"
Sometimes he doesn't get that chance to call at all because things are so busy

I still get a workout done, house cleaned, meals prepared, errands we only run together on his days off every 3 to 4 weeks due to COVID19 so I don't run them anymore...
But I play my video games, play with our kitties, and sit here for the 12 hours he is at work.
I keep myself busy watching tv, knitting or other hobbies I enjoy doing
Wrestling show work is unknown when that will come back again due to COVID19...
Even then I can't do that because I need to save for a new car because of the wear and tear on my current car from doing wrestling shows driving everywhere and back I had to put a lot of work into it to keep it running... so it will be a while...
Spending time with friends is also on hold due to COVID19
As is art commissions and sales with my comics because so many have lost their jobs or just can't afford it right now
I just have to keep finding stuff to keep the time passing by till he walks in the door
But I also find myself breaking down every hour or so, trying to keep strong.
I know he works for an amazing company, he's got amazing people he works with all keeping one another safe and all that... but I still worry...

When he gets in from work I can't hug and kiss him as I used too
Instead, I have gloves and a trash bag in hand for him to throw his uniforms into
I have a bowl of soapy water for him to wash his hands even though his hands are so dry and chapped from using sanitizer all night...
I then lay out a towel and open the shower door for him and while he showers I get dinner and a glass of wine/beer followed with a few episodes of our favorite shows before we turn in. We then share a hug and a kiss, Then wake up to do it all again the next day!
This is coming from me...
I wrote this, I feel this, I am not just scared for him and everyone he works with
But our whole city, country, world...
Who would have thought we would be living a life like this in 2020... we were promised flying fucking cars!
But in all serious... in our lifetime I keep praying every day for us, our family and friends, and everyone in the world today.

Everyone who knows me knows I am a pretty strong person and can hold my game pretty well... I can even during the hardest times keep a smile on my face and hold ground and be the rock for everyone else even when I am crumbling apart on the inside because I find a way to fix it and be able to deal with the stuff I need to deal with. I rarely show I am breaking... because normally I can just fix things on my own!

But today I can't hold my ground or be that rock, I am falling apart slowly and trying to glue the pieces back together but they are falling faster then I can glue... today I am coming out and being honest saying ... I AM FUCKING SCARED!

I can't do this alone just like everyone around me can't do it alone, we need to help one another and build one another up and support one another.

I am truly thankful for my husband and everything he does every day for us and our kitties, I couldn't ask for a better man. Exp with how much shit of mine he's gotta put up with =p
Thank you for reading ♥

Weight Loss Updates!

Please bear with me as I write this, please take the time to read it... I would greatly appreciate it, I need to get some thoughts off my chest...

For the last 5 years, I have been busting my ass to lose weight and get healthy... I had setbacks, who doesn't? From falling outta the ring as wrestling school and smashing my back into the frame of the ring to strained muscles, tonsils being taken out, loss in the family to everything else between.

Some days I look at the calendar and go... great another year gone and it feels like I didn't accomplish anything...

Example: Before the COVID19 lockdown happened I was going to the gym and mainly lifting with very little cardio, I found myself gaining weight, losing some inches but I felt like it wasn't enough, I did get some gains too but the gains I didn't want... Over the lockdown, I focused mainly on cardio and cleaning and getting things done here, less stressful which helped me lose 18lbs...

How is it going to the gym for a year I get the good and bad gains but over the course of almost 8 weeks I lost 18lbs, I don't understand! But I will take it!

It's taken me 20 years to get this far... I tried to lose weight a couple of times in the first 10 years after my hubby and I got married but I would fail... I failed because my confidence and esteem was crap because of the bullying I went through in high school being made fun of for being in shape and doing track/sports and weightlifting.

After high school, I gained almost 300lbs and getting married at my heaviest. I never thought anything of it until I kept trying and failing and giving up... this time... I haven't done either and I am trying my hardest to keep it that way! As much as some days I want too!

There are days I feel like giving up again because I am at the point even after losing 200lbs or so... things are slowing down and I want the weight to keep coming off fast, I know things take time but it's so annoying because it's been 5 years and I just am so tired and want things done and over with!

I know 200lbs is a lot but at the same time it feels like it isn't enough, not sure why I feel this way but I guess I am to the point of frustration that I am wanting this to be over. I know once I lose all the weight it won't be over but the maintaining is where I wanna be like NOW...

I know sometimes I don't eat the best, other times I do. My workouts are sometimes consistent and sometimes not. I try my best and my hardest to keep doing what I am doing even with the obstacles and other things that stand in my way. I just want to hit delete on all the things that held me back all the years before and some still haunt me to this day.

I know it's all a process and things take time but sometimes I am impatient and other times I am super impatient. Like right now!

Anyway, my thoughts fo the evening, thanks for reading, hope to have some new side by sides in the near future!

Still not heading back to the gym since numbers are still climbing, having less stress working out at home is best right now anyway since I am getting more results this way :D

Quarantine - Pros & Cons!

There have been some positive things & some negative things about this quarantine stuff for me...

I have been actually able to LOSE weight & inches more so now then all the times I been going to the gym! I kid you not, keep reading for reasons why

But I have been keeping active with my Wii as well as stated above and actually keep better control of my food sizes/weighing stuff out then I have ever before.

Even with all the pizza, I've managed to make over the last almost 4 weeks I have had better success! I've even managed to break this 9-month long plateau! Which is amazing I can cry

I may stay home & do art as my main job (and reffing when I get my car back on track) but a housewife's job is never done, we never get a day off... as much as some think we do... we really don't.

Between all the cooking and cleaning and everything else... I have been able to accomplish more with house projects inside & out since all this started!

I haven't had the stress and panic of going to the gym, stores shopping once or twice a week to get fresh veggies and work on cleaning projects, food prep, and all the other projects I been trying to complete.

Because normally after the gym my energy is gone to shit & I don't feel like doing anything. I know to some it sounds crazy but my energy level after the gym is next to nothing because all the energy, blood, sweat & tears I put into my workouts.

I am the kinda person that stocks up when things are on sale so I didn't need to panic buy like so many people out there did.

My stress level has gone down BIG TIME, I still have some stress but yet my worry level is another story with Joel working at the hospital.

Every day after Joel gets done working I meet him at the door with gloves on every morning he gets home with a bowl with soap and water, even though he's hand sanitized his hands 10,000+ times at work and in the car and his hands being so dry and chapped he washes his hands and closes the door he puts his gun straps in the water and then he hands me his uniform, I place it in a trash bag and go put his jacket, gun, etc... aside in another room along with his boots, etc.

I then close the bag as I put it off into the washer. I open the shower door and grab him a towel just to be safer so he can hop in the shower. He always showered after work but not to this new degree of measures we take every day.

The yard work that I usually never did because it's just too much for me to do, I've been slowly working at it while the weather is nice... it didn't go from snow to hot as fuck this year so that is one awesome thing!

My front garden doesn't look like a big huge mess, the branches/trees/fence line in the backyard hasn't looked better, I mean still got more to do but because of the cold snap we just had my yard looks pretty bad back there with all the dead branches everywhere lol.

I've managed to pay off all my kitty vet bills & the stock of food I had to get them because with the COVID stuff ordering their food it takes 3-8 weeks to even get any pet food. Our vets thankfully have fluids/meds set to go when I need it. Not to mention some of the house repairs were able to get paid too.

I've been working on 3 baby blankets over this last month, not just doing one at a time, I been knitting for all 3 depending on which one I feel like doing at the present time, even though I don't know HOW I am going to get these blankets to each family while all this crazy crap is going on!

But I been able to do more stuff then just sit here and spend all my time gaming! Even though this weekend was a pretty big gaming weekend with Joel, we haven't done that in a while lol so it was a nice change

I have been able to get rid of a lot of clutter & organize much! Even though it doesn't look like I have done much but it's getting there, I promise!

We had our friends next door move to another state last week and new neighbors move in, which we haven't met yet obviously but... I have to say I just hope they are pretty awesome, yet I miss our other friends so much  I've had 10 friends move recently and my heart hurts with so many friends moving and leaving

I know have a lot to be thankful for and blessed for, I know quarantine sucks I do miss my best friend Heather and other ppl we used to see and hang out with every now and then, seeing everyone at wrestling shows, basically all our friends we like being around, but once all this is over we are def gonna have to have a game night, bbq or something because I miss all of you so much

Now to go work on some more projects

Happy 15th Anniversary to Hubby & I & FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE - Opening Movie

It's been a super fun day of getting massages and dinner at our fav sushi place and now seeing this, awesome! =)

Updates - Yes I am still here & still going strong!

I am still here, still around.
Life has just been busy busy!
Hubby & I are getting ready to celebrate 15 years next month of being married
Time has just gotten away that's for sure!
It's now been 4 years & 8 months... since I got on track with being healthy and losing weight.
I used to be that girl that was afraid to get back on track because of how I was made fun of in high school for being that girl that was in shape, doing track, sports, and weightlifting... called a tomboy and told I looked and acted like a boy because I enjoyed doing all the things boys did because I was never a girly girl
That damage that was done to my esteem and confidence carried over to life after graduation (graduation year: 2000) and I ate myself into a hole and an abusive relationship, thankfully after 5 years, I got outta there!
I tried to lose weight 2 times before after my husband and i got married but failed, I realized it was because my esteem and confidence needed work...
So here I am today... my esteem and confidence have grown big time, thanks to my husband & his family, my wrestling family & friends... I wouldn't be where I am now without everyone's support, so thank you!!!
This last week since I got my Fitbit I managed to lose almost 10lbs and some more inches, I feel like now that I can track things a lot better and not have the stress of other things, the weight is coming off easier and the inches are flying away, it's been stressful this last bit but what a difference can make when stress/worry are no longer there to deal with!
I feel this is the year that is finally the year that I can finally finish losing the weight! It will be nice to CTRL/ALT/Delete everything that has been holding me back all these years!! I have been waiting for this for so long, I FINALLY see some kinda light at the end & moving into maintaining everything, I am excited!
Gaining weight and stressing and everything between and setbacks were awful all these years, but now that 100+lbs has been lifted off my shoulders I feel empowered to continue, I been sleeping better and feeling so much better these last couple of weeks! Not sure why I just do, but either way I been feeling awesome!
Thanks again everyone for the support, here is my recent side by side, let's do this!
Just know it can make a huge difference when getting on track to be healthy!
Don't ever say, "I can't, it's too hard, I am too lazy, I am not worth it... "
The excuses are endless, stop making excuses!
I used to make them too now I am glad I stopped making them and being that scared little girl, but all the stress and BS made me the women I am today along with all the supportive people in my life, again thank you!